This blog is done.

I have decided that my new life deserved a new shiny blog :)

You can now find me here....

http://colleensconstantcommentary.blogspot.com/

See ya soon!

Stupid Fat Jeans

I had to buy fat jeans this weekend.  It pretty much sucked.  I had already decided that as of Feb 1 I was ON IT and going to lose 30 pounds, but the necessity to buy jeans for work because the ones I had were all too tight or had holes was a nice little push.  I actually started using My Fitness Pal already today... before my Feb 1 start date.

Why have I gained so much weight and what can I do to combat these things...

1-Winter.  I fucking HATE running when its cold out, and I fucking hate even more running on the treadmill.  I can barely run a mile on the treadmill before I want to stab my eyeballs out with a spoon.

• How will I combat this:  Well.... good question.  One thing is... this week we are having some warmer temperatures, so I will be able to run outside.  It is also starting to be lighter out after work which has been another roadblock.  I can also run from here or Lonnie’s house after work on sidewalks, so that is not really a factor.  Also... there are plenty of things I can do at the gym other than run on the treadmill.

2- “Special Occasions” When I told Lonnie I was starting the first, he said “So you are going to start a diet on a Friday... the weekend of the Superbowl.  That sounds like a fantastic plan.” ←-insert sarcasm there.  The fact is I use any excuse I can find to not be “on it”
It’s the weekend
It’s been a long week
It’s football Sunday
We are going out with friends
If I actually indulged only for those events, I would not be gaining weight.  I am gaining weight because I indulge all the time because “Well... why bother start now when the Superbowl is this weekend and I am going to eat bad anyway, I’ll just start the Monday after.”  That’s just stupid.  I have essentially spent the past several months giving myself license to eat all I want all the time for what have probably been 10 “special occasions.”  Had I eaten well every day other than those 10 days, I would still be the size I was in June.  

• How I will combat this:   I formally give myself license to indulge on special occasions, but no more than 1 a week.  The rest of the week is not a free-for-all.  No normal people just eat what they want all the freakin’ time.  I am going to Nashville for a week in February.  I know I am going to indulge.  But I also am going to enjoy the warmer temps and run or walk EVERY DAY.

3- Lonnie -Poor Lonnie.  I blame him all the time for my fatness and that is not fair at all.  Yes I have gained weight since we got together, but I am a grown woman and I am completely at fault for the shit I choose to put in my mouth and for my choices to snuggle with him rather than exercise.  He is ALWAYS up for a trip to the gym or a walk just as much as he is up for snuggling on the couch.  We do kind of feed off each other’s laziness a bit though.  And we also both loooooove to cook and to eat bad food.  But when I am “on it” he is completely supportive and stays “on it” with me.  And since the fat fairy has visited him as well as it as me... being on it is just as important for him as it is for me.  Especially since he gains all his weight in the belly and that’s the bad heart attacky place.  I kinda want my boy to stick around for a looooong time, so it’s important that we take care of ourselves.

• How I will combat this.  I will be on it.  I will not say ever again that it is his fault that I am getting fat.  It isn’t!  I will take care of myself and eat right and exercise and he can join me or not.  What he is doing is not what I have to be doing.  I am a grown woman.  I am strong and independent.  I have lost weight before and I know how to do it.  

No year in review...

I usually do a 'year end review' post.  Although I looked and I didn't do it last year for some reason.  I think we alllllllll know how the last year has been and don't really need to hash it out again.  When I was looking to see if I did one last year I re-read lots of my posts from last year and it was a nice little journey.  I wonder sometimes if I went through everything too fast.  And then I wonder if that matters?  Should I have been sad and angry longer?  Was I supposed have taken more time alone before jumping back into dating to learn more about myself.  It seems like every other Pinterest quote is something about learning to love to be alone or learning to love yourself before you love someone else.  Which I don't really understand. The whole point of human existence it seems is to find your partner and enjoy each other and then die.  Humans are naturally wired to couple up.  And naturally you are going to feel better when you have someone who loves you and cares about everything you do, and is a constant cheerleader.  Chris Brown (who I can't stand) actually has a line in a song right now that says "Let me love you... until you learn... to love yourself" ....which flies in the face of all that other stuff like his fists flew in the face of Rihanna.  ;-)

Anyhoo.... that was a big ramble.  This year... whether I did was I was "supposed" to do or not.... I kissed a man at midnight New Year's Eve that makes me laugh, makes me feel loved and wanted and needed every second, who I love, want and need just as much ....and I guess that is all that really matters!!

Guns

On Friday a deranged psycho shot his way into an elementary school and took the lives of 6 school staff and 20 children, mostly kindergartners.  Just babies.  I can’t even imagine the horror that is now the life of those parents and families.  Every time I look under my Christmas tree at the presents that I wrapped over the weekend, all I can think about is all the presents under those trees in Connecticut that will never be opened.  What do you do with them?  Leave them there?  Open them and return them?  Throw them away?

Lonnie and I had a rough morning on Saturday that consisted of a little bit of arguing and then a LOTTA silence.  Lonnie is a gun enthusiast.  This incident has led to statements by Obama that point to the certainty gun control laws on the horizon.  I am not a gun enthusiast.  But I am also not a gun hater.  Had the principal of that school been armed, or had someone in that Batman movie theater over the summer has a concealed weapons permit and a gun… both scenarios could have ended very differently.  Maybe.  But I can see the other side of the coin too.  Our country has a problem with people going crazy and shooting lots of people…. So we should keep giving everyone guns?  I am fat because I eat way too many goddamn snacks.  It only makes sense that if I can’t control myself with the snacks… I should not get more snacks and make sure those around me always have snacks in case I feel like I need one.  So when people argue that the best solution would be for MORE people to be armed… it feels a little counter intuitive  My statement to him that I didn’t see the need for assault weapons for hunting or protection was not well received in light of the fact that he was robbed over the summer.  And his argument to me that owning and shooting guns is a hobby,  in addition to protection, that he has the right to have and enjoy under the 2^nd amendment, just pissed me off because I could give to shits about anyone’s “hobbies” when at that time there were 20 tiny bodies laying in an empty school awaiting the completion of an investigation.

On the bright side...  In our silent morning, we were both so keyed up that we first cleaned my apartment, and then went over to his place and got that all clean too.  Then once everyplace was clean… there was nothing left to do but reconnect looooong hug and snuggly nap on the couch.

It's a long one.....

 I have a confession.  I may seem breezy and carefree and stuff.  But I am not.  I am a worrier.  My biggest one lately has been Christmas.  This is the first Christmas since the divorce and things are going to be very different.  The giant moutain of presents that used to live under our tree will be much smaller at my house, and I assume at Rick's house as well.  Even if we both had buckets of money, there would still be half the presents since they are now split between two houses.  I realize that Christmas is not supposed to be about material things, and technically the kids will probably get the same amount of gifts as always... blah blah blah.  It's easy to rationalize all that stuff as an adult.  But when you are a kid who has had their entire life turned upside down over the past year because your parents couldn't make it work.........  and now you come downstairs in the morning to half the pile you are used to on your most favorite day of the year.... it's gonna hurt.  And if it were me... and it was me many many years ago.... I would be pissed off again at my sucky parents who ruined everything.  I don't know how to fix this and make it right and that makes me sad.

 

What I HAVE tried to do, is to make sure there that we do lots of fun Christmas things together and make sure the house is decorated and that while we are all together, we are enjoying ourselves.  It's kind of tough because Rick has the kids on the weekends, but we are making the best of it.  This past Monday after school we headed out to the Christmas tree farm, chopped down our own tree and then went to Target for some new ornaments.  We have never had a real tree before, so that was fun and a great new tradition.  We decided to go with a gold and white themed tree.  I didn't feel right just using all the old family ornaments that we have always used.  We are going to hang garland and hang our colored ornaments from that. 

 

 

So....  I am doing my best.  And I am trying not to let my guilt and worry consume me.  A while ago Lonnie and I were laying in bed and I was worrying and crying about something... I can't even remember what it was now.... and he delicately pointed out that my constant worrying about everything is just a manifestation of my thinking that I am omnipotent and have control over everyone and everything. ....and that is not a nice trait to have.  I keep that in mind as often as I can, and am trying not to worry and just know that I am doing my best. 

These photos would have been much more fun and festive if we had some snow on the ground... though that would have made the tree chopping a messier, colder endeavor, so green grass it is!

Different.

That is the general consensus about Thanksgiving this year.  New people there, other people that have always been there, not there.  But it was a very nice day.  I loved cooking with Lonnie and it was so nice to really feel like I was part of a team getting everything ready.  Mom came up from Nashville and Dad came up from his neck of the woods in Maine.  And we got LOTS of BABY TIME with Kaelyn... love that!!

30 days of Thankful

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER!!!

1. My kids ...who somehow balance the line of spoiled brat and sweet and helpful every single day.
2. My friends ...who somehow got me through the roughest year of my life relatively unscathed.
3. My love ...Lonnie is my rock, my source of endless laughter,  and my endless fountain snuggles and kisses.  I LOVES me some forehead kisses and he loves doling them out :)
4. Nicole ...Yes, I already said friends, but Nicole is more like a sister to me.  We had a really rough year as a result of all the changes in our lives and for awhile there I thought I had lost her.  I am beyond thankful that we made it through!
5. My family ...my family has been an awesome support system this year.  They are great at letting me know that they are there for me if I need them without being intrusive.
6. Chris ...my brother sacrificed his bachelorhood to move in with me waaaayyyy out in Winterport to help me out when I realized I had to move. 
7. Rick ...Yes believe it or not I am thankful for Rick.  His choices earlier this year set me free to find #3 up there.  He is also tries hard to be a good ex-husband and I appreciate that.  We have a good divorce relationship and I am thankful for that for the sake of our kids.
8. My job ...I love it.  I love the people I work with and I love most of the work that I do. 
9. Kinda sorta Financial stability.  I am certainly not rolling in cash by any means, but it's good to know that even though I am on my own now, I can pay my bills.
10. Ice cream.
11. Music.  Can't live without it.  All day every day.
12. Facebook ...sometimes it's irritating, but it is highly entertaining at times and also a nice way to be in touch with people I wouldn't otherwise see or talk to.  And lots of people reached out to me during the divorce, and I appreciated it a LOT!
13. Dogs.  Specifically....the lack of having any of my own.  I love it.
14. My iPhone.  It rules.
15. BIC Velocity Pens.  Yes, seriously
16. Running ...without it I would have lost my fucking mind this year.  
17. Cooking ...I love it.  Lonnie loves it.  It's fun!
18. My car ...It's an "old lady car" but I still love it!!
19. My "Period Tracker" app.  Knowing why I am feeling psycho is half the battle.
20. MYSELF!!! I am thankful and proud of myself for getting through my divorce and using it as a learning and growth experience rather than becoming entrenched in bitterness and anger.
21. Fountain Soda.  Nuff said.
22. My apartment.  It's a little out there in the williwags, and it certainly has some issues... but I love it!
23. My health 
24. Humor ...laughter is my favorite and I like to do it as much as possible.  See numbers 1-6 to see why I get to laugh so much :-)
25. Football ...LOVES IT!!  Even when my team sucks!
26. Sparkles!
27. The Red Box ...even though I own several because I forget to return them
28. cheese (stole that one from Jody... but it's a good one!)
29. Wine ...Lonnie and I have a little project of trying new wines to find one we both like.  FUN!
30. The interwebs ....more importantly.... PINTEREST!!!