I WILL lose 10 pounds in October.

I had a goal set to get a tattoo to signify my losing 100 pounds and my new lfe.  I was 13 pounds away from said goal.

.....THEN I fell in love with this guy....

And now I am 23 pounds away from said goal....LOL!!  So I fell off the wagon a bit.  It's SO hard to stick to eating right and exercising when I don't have that pit of anger fueling my every move. ...When snuggling is FAR more appealing than getting up and going to the gym.  ....When the man you love is a FANTASTIC cook... and you are no slouch in the kitchen yourself and want to show off all the things you can make for him.  THANK GOODNESS we also run and go to the gym or that 10 pound gain would be at least 20!!

So October = IT'S FUCKING ON!!!!!!!!!!  I am going to run 2 miles every morning in addition to the gym and whatever else I do.  I am also going to get my hands on either p90x or the Insanity Workout and hopefully make myself puke from working so hard.  As for the food... well... less snacking on shit!!  I tend to snack my way through the evening when I am not with Lonnie.  Comfort food I suppose because I miss him when he is not around.  I am such a baby.  So I need to think of a new solution to that issue.....

I'm working on it.

 

I have done a lot of self exploration this past year and I am still working on it.  I wake up every day thinking about stuff and how I can do better, be better, not fall into old habits.  Stuff I am working on...

• I am working on learning to lean on my partner and trust that he can catch me.  This one hasn't been very difficult as he catches me with grace and love every time.  In the past I never even felt like I could cry in front of my partner... never mind share my deepest fears and thoughts.  This past Saturday I got a text message from my mother-in-law that made me cry.  In the past I would have stuffed it down and not given it another thought.  Saturday I let myself feel it... began to cry and pulled over the car and asked Lonnie to drive.  He held me by the side of the road for a minute while I cried and then drove us the rest of the way.

• I am working hard to be the best mom I can be.  I am making sure to hang out with them EVERY day doing something whether it's watching Mythbusters with Sean or making sure to be at all of Jessi's home games... and local away games.  I am fixing them snacks and bringing them where they want to go (within reason) without sighing or grumbling.  I am trying to balance this by talking to them often about thinking about being considerate to me and others and expecting them to act on that.  It's WORKING too!!  Two nights in a row now, Sean has gotten up and offered to get me a drink all on his own.  Baby steps, people.  Baby Steps.  ;-)

• I am working on being financially responsible.  This has always been a tough one for me.  I am working on this by always knowing exactly how much money I have on hand.  REALLY thinking about things before I buy them.  And trying to teach the kids to really think about needs vs wants.  

• I am working to let people have their space and feelings.  I have always tried to control everyone and every situation around me.  Always trying to make everything "ok."  I have learned that sometimes it's just NOT ok and there is NOTHING I can do about other peoples behaviors and feelings other than be there when they need me.  I have always had trouble with people around me being "emotional" ....because I can't control it.  I thinking accepting my own emotions has made me more able to accept other people's as well.

Anyway.... I am not... and will never be a perfect person.  But I am working on being better and I hope to never stop.

Organized.

So as I mentioned in my last post...  I am a bit overwhelmed with life right now.  Since then I have just gotten more and more so and finally yesterday reached my breaking point of frustration and at the suggestion of my friend Dyan decided that it's time to COMPLETELY organize my life on a calendar.  Everything from time with Lonnie to when I am going to run.  Once I got it all in my google calendar, I have to say I was first shocked at how busy I am... and second felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted from me having everything on "paper" to see at a glance.  It's like ALL that stuff was bouncing around in my head all the time like tons of high speed ping pong balls and now they are all gone and there is a little peace and quiet in there now.

I have gained 10 pounds over the past 3 months and I am hoping that my new calendarized life will help me to get back on track as it a.  has taken away a big stress and b.  having specific set workout times make me much less likely to flake out.