Dislike.

These are the nights I hate and feel the most alone.  I have never been a giant fan of nighttime thunderstorms.  Seems like there have been a million over the past couple months, when in reality there have been maybe 2 or 3.  I HATE those giant crackly ones and the whole storm am on edge just waiting for it to happen.  And it ALWAYS seems to happen in that one freakin' moment I wasn't ready for it!

So... since sleep is not going to happen until this dumb storm ends... why not blog?

It's weird when you suddenly notice a little thing you miss about a relationship... even though you couldn't be more relieved, done, and ready-to-move on.  Moments like that sneak up on you like that damn crackly thunder.

Alrighty... things seem to be calming down out there and Christian Grey beckons.  What I wouldn't give to be snuggled up with HIM tonight (just no spankings please)!!!! ;-)

Running Club... like Fight Club without the punching!

Dyan had a great idea a couple weeks ago. (Well... I'm sure she has had other great ideas before, and since, but I REALLY liked this one!)  Since there are several of us that are into running n' stuff, she thought it would be fun to all do it together on a regular basis, and it SO IS!!  We now run Tuesday and Thursday after work and Sunday mornings... and other times PRN ;-)  Like today... because it was a holiday and we didn't run yesterday for assorted reasons.  It is so perfect because we are all together, but at the same time, we separate out into little groups sorted by speed so everyone gets to go at their own pace.  I am in the slow group... for now ;-)

I LOVE this group of girls!  SO different from the people I used to hang out with that live so unhealthily and are 'proud of it' ....yet then spend hours bitching about all their health issues.  This group is FUN, and HEALTHY, and everyone is SO positive and encouraging to each other.  It's just a whole new vibe and it's fantastic.

Back to life

Yesterday I noticed that for the past several months our whole house has been in mourning.  I knew we were all having a tough time, but until yesterday, I didn't realize how quiet and sad the whole atmosphere around here has been.  The kids were not having friends over, everyone was staying segregated into one area, and it was just quiet.  Too quiet.  This house is not used to quiet.

The only reason I noticed it is because yesterday things were feeling not 'back to normal' ...we don't know what our normal will be yet, but the house felt ALIVE again.  Jessi had a whole bunch of friends over to help me color her hair, Sean had a friend over for a sleepover.  Jessi and I did a couple hours of volunteer work in the morning.  Rick and I worked around the yard and house.  It was a gorgeous, sunny day.  Was it perfect?  Not by a long shot.  Am I super excited to move out and move on?  HELL YES!

It was SO great to hear girls screaming and laughing, and boys yelling and running around.  I didn't even know I was missing it until it came back.  I didn't even bother yelling at them when it was all still going on at 1am ;-)

P.S.  Ignore the cats in the photo.  The 'add cats to your pics' app for iphone is all the rage in the teenage set right now ;-)

Well it only took like 3 years....

But these legs FINALLY just ran 3 miles with no stopping to walk at ALL!!! I am so excited! :)

Pretty sure most of not being able to do it was just in my head for quite awhile now.... So I really only defeated my brain, but I'll take it damnit!!

AND as a bonus... I didn't even have to be angry to do it ;)

Workin' 9 to 5......

I started working 40 hours this week. I had gone up to 35 from 30 awhile ago, and now I am up to 40. So basically I now go in at 8am instead of 9. I can't believe how much more tired I am! I even took a nap yesterday! I'm sure I'll get used to it quickly, but all this change is just exhausting! ....in a good way. I love my job and I don't mind being there at all. I work with amazing people and I have fun and I get to be a know-it-all all day long every day and get paid to do it.. Love that! LOL

S'all goooooooood.....

So.... I realize after my last post some of you may be concerned that I may need to be on suicide and/or homicide watch ;-)  I am here to assure you that I am ok... I will be ok... and it's alllllll gonna be ok.  That was a bad, bad day.  The good thing is that those are getting less frequent, with LOTS more good days in between.

Today was a GREAT day!!  I went to the coast with Nicole to the 'Camden Cake Walk.' I even dusted off my REAL camera for the event... though I must admit I ended up taking more pics with my iphone.  That sucker really does take great photos and messing with camera settings on my old camera is a pain -in-the-ass.

After cake I came home feeling fantastic (and a little bit sick from too much cake).  I cleaned the house like crazy, and it REALLY needed it as I have been a little checked-out lately... and a little 'it's-not-my-house-anymore-why-the-hell-bother.  But that kind of attitude will get me nowhere.  I need to focus back on being the person I want to be NOW, not the person I want to be once this is all over.


Anyway... back to CAKE and PHOTOS... about 900 photos.... of Nicole....LOL!

She's baaaaaaaaack......

I am having a "I am never going to find a place to live and I am going to die alone" day.  I FUCKING HATE Rick.  I hate him for taking all these years of my life when I could have been with someone, or been finding someone who actually gave a shit about anyone other than himself.  I hate him for already having a new person in his life while I am alone and have nobody.  Yes.... I have friends and family and they are great and wonderful and I am thankful for them all every day, but it's NOT THE SAME THING AND YOU KNOW IT!!!  It's completely different to have someone who is your partner and actually wants to hear the daily minutia and wants to share theirs with you.... and you WANT to hear it!!   How am I ever going to have that at this point in life?  I am full of "baggage" and nobody wants to take that shit on, and I don't blame them.

I HATE him for making feel all this HATE and ANGER all the time!!!!  I hate feeling this way and I am trapped in a house with him having to see his stupid face and watch him text with his stupid whore who btw... I was forced to add to our 'Verizon Friends and Family' plan to prevent us from going over our minutes and huge overage charges... guess how THAT felt?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just so done.  I am so sick of this and there is no way all my friends and family aren't sick of it all too.  I am done talking about it anywhere but here.  Why should anyone else be tortured?

I do see a pattern here.  I go several days all 'strong and empowered' and then completely lose my shit for a day... and then go back to feeling good again.  I think it's because I feel like I HAVE to be strong for the kids and for everyone around me and people are ALWAYS AROUND!!!  I have to show everyone... including the shithead... that I am going to be JUST FINE.  And sometimes it's just exhausting.

Therapy, really?

At the insistence of several friends, I saw a therapist when shit started going down around here.  I am SO anti-therapy/counseling... you have NO idea.  So I only went reluctantly... but also with an open mind.  (Open mind part mostly out of spite for people who said "You are not going to get anything out of this, you are going to go in there all attitudey and arm-crossey and not listen to a word she says."  ---if it was reverse psychology, kudos to you!)

I have to admit, it has actually been helpful!  I have learned a lot about myself, and about my relationship with Rick.  I see things now that I didn't see before.  Most importantly, I am learning to manage my behavior.  Once I recognized WHY I was acting the way I was acting, it was SO much easier to STOP acting that way.

I am focusing now on behaving as the person I want to be once I am on the other side of this. The biggest thing that I have to learn and keep reminding myself is that I CANNOT CONTROL THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.  Which is hard because I really think that I can.  Which only leads to me blaming myself for everything all the time because I think that I had control over it all the whole time... which I really didn't.  My other "biggie" is that I am trying SO hard to not been seen as 'weak' or a 'victim' here, that I was on the whole other side of the spectrum and being aggressive and even abusive.    I felt like being friendly or even cordial to him was showing that I was 'ok' with what he did, and that's just dumb.  I am divorcing him.  I am obviously not ok with what he did. Which takes me back to the person I want to be when I get on the other side of this and she is NOT a person who is aggressive or abusive to anyone.  

I am honestly so glad that I am going through all of this.  Yeah it sucks.  But this is a chance for me to really learn about myself, and better myself, and I am going to take this opportunity and run with it.

Exhibit A:  The girl who lived in this body a few weeks ago NEVER would have admitted to going to counseling, let alone GO to counseling, because she thought counseling was a waste of time for losers who want to go whine endlessly about their lives.  The girl who lives in this body today still feels like some people are using counseling improperly, but can see that it has it's place.