Kaelyn's 1st Birthday and Sean's 1st hunt

My niece is one year old today!!  Holy crap time flies!!  It doesn't even feel like it was that long ago that we were all in that tiny room watching her float around on the sonogram screen!  :)

Very busy weekend, which I love because it keeps my mind off all the other stuff.  OK, it really doesn't, but it does a little bit,

Sean turned 10 this month so he can now hunt.  Yaaaaaaay!  (read that 'yaaaaaay' laced with heavy sarcasm)  He was so excited to go and Rick has been waiting for this day his whole life, so the house with buzzing with that all week.  Brhaun and Tom also went long for Sean's first hunt, which I have to say I found freaking adorable.  Saturday was "Youth Day" so only kids can hunt... which meant that Sean got to go hunting for the first time with a bunch of guys there solely to follow him around the woods and help him.  So cute :)  No pics as they got up and out of the house a 3am... and I didn't.

This weekend was also Kaelyn's birthday party and I had a little photography "assignment."   Some friends were running a mini Triatholon and asked me to join the team as the team photographer and I  happily accepted.  Thinking next year I'll do the Tri myself though.... and will need my OWN photographer!

Sanity... rated.

Some may think going for a jog in the driving rain is insane.  I say going for a jog in the driving rain is what KEEPS ME SANE!  I really don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't have embraced exercise over the past couple years.  Nothing clears my head like a good hard run.  Particularly since there is nothing else good and hard going on right know ifyaknowhatImean ;-)  (I'll be here all week folks... don't forget to tip your waitress!)

On a scale of 1-10 right now... 1 being 'have an ambulance to Acadia Mental Hospital on standby' and 10 being 'I am the queen of the freakin' world and nothin' can bring me down.'  I would say I am at around a 7.  A solid 7 fueled with empowerment and a little edge of anger.  Maybe that makes me insane?  With all the crap going on around here I sometimes can't believe that I am not wanting to just stay in bed and cry all day while scarfing Ben and Jerry's.  But I really don't.  I have certainly had moments of feeling like that, but they are short and infrequent.  Overall... I am looking forward to my new life and all it may bring.

I have SO got this shit!

Choosing sides

The "why do you give a shit you- you don't need people like that in your life- you are finding out who your real friends are" theory is a solid one.  But like everything in life... it's easier said than done.  The simple fact is that as a couple Rick and I only did things with his friends because our entire life was me doing what he wanted to do if I wanted to spend time with him. So the people that have gone out of their way to exclude me, are the people I have spent the most time with over the past several years and it just fucking hurts.  I get that they are Rick's friends and family first.  I really do.  I get that they have an allegiance to him.  I have no problem with that.  I just wish they could have a little sensitivity to what I am going through, since supposedly they were my friends too.  But instead I am excluded from events (that are made public so that I can see it all unfolding right in front of me).  And forced to see people facebook-friending the home-wrecking whore that has gone out of her way to threaten me with physical harm and has attempted to hurt me with private knowledge that never should have been shared with her in the first place.  (Oops... a little anger slipped out there.  Working on that, but it's bound to escape from time-to-time.)

It just didn't all have to be this way.  I didn't want it to be this way.  Why do people have to choose sides and then make these giant statements of allegiance?

Facebook has changed the way the world works... and not for the best.  I thought about just getting off it for awhile.  But I enjoy it for the most part and I am not going to let all this crap take away even one more ounce of my joy.  So instead I removed several people from my friends list.  It's not healthy for me to see all that stuff and get all upset every time I see it.

The worst part...

Ok there are lots of shitty things when it comes to divorce.

But I have to say the worst part for me is the freaking derailed 189 mph roller coaster of emotions train that I am riding. One day I am feeling like "YES!!! I am finally free of him!! I can plan vacations (he hates travel)!! I can finally find someone who actually wants to be involved in my life and be an actual partner and not a 3rd child!!! (and even without that 'someone,' it feels amazing to make decisions on my own without knowing at the back of my head that my partner is supposed to be making them with me but won't). Soon I will never have to hear those stupid fucking boots stomping all over the house with no consideration for anyone else that may be sleeping!! I never again will have to find bottles of spit from chewing tobacco all over the place!!! I can know now that if I don't do it... it won't get done without resenting it because I am supposed to have a partner taking it all on with me. I will never have to open my basement door every morning to check for a flood and know that if it just fixed properly I wouldn't have to. I will never open my front door and wonder what dead creatures i may find bleeding all over the porch. I will never again be afraid to turn on a computer or look at my Verizon bill for fear of what I might see.

Wow. I really went off on a tangent there. I was about to talk about the worst part... What is the worst part?? Listing all those things just made me forget that I woke up this morning feeling hopeless and lonely and like I am going to be alone forever and like if I wasn't good enough to keep all THAT (see above)...I must be pretty fucking worthless.

And there it is... LOL welcome to my roller coaster!

The end. AND the BEGINNING!!

My marriage is over.  There.  I typed it.  I was betrayed by the one person that I was supposed to be able to trust.  The one person who actually signed legal documents guaranteeing that trust.

I wallowed a bit.  I may still wallow a bit from time to time.  But overall I realize that it takes 2 to tango.  He did what he did and continues to do... and he is wrong.  But I too had my part in the demise.  I have known for years that he wasn't "the one."  We both knew.  Women are stronger.  I could live with that knowledge for the sake of keeping things together for the family until they were older and more prepared to deal with it.  He couldn't.

So.... I am apartment/house hunting.  My brother is going to join us in the move which will be a huge help financially... and non-financially too!  It means we need a 4 bedroom place, which will be a challenge to find.  But I am not in a huge rush.  As the days pass, my anger fades a little and Rick and I are actually able to be in a room and talk without my wanting to punch him in the face.

I have learned through this that I have the most AMAZING friends and family in the history of the universe!!! Seriously.  I never could have gotten through this without all the support they have given me.  And not just empty supportive gestures.  REALLY there for me... really telling me when I am being ridiculous and when my feelings are legit.  Letting me have my pain... and also pushing me to buck the fuck up and move on.  I am so thankful for this.

I have also learned that exercise (running in particular) = SANITY.  I can be about to fall completely apart in tears and anger into a puddle on the floor... go for a run... and come home with a clear head ready to take on whatever new drama the day has brought on.