Guns

On Friday a deranged psycho shot his way into an elementary school and took the lives of 6 school staff and 20 children, mostly kindergartners.  Just babies.  I can’t even imagine the horror that is now the life of those parents and families.  Every time I look under my Christmas tree at the presents that I wrapped over the weekend, all I can think about is all the presents under those trees in Connecticut that will never be opened.  What do you do with them?  Leave them there?  Open them and return them?  Throw them away?

Lonnie and I had a rough morning on Saturday that consisted of a little bit of arguing and then a LOTTA silence.  Lonnie is a gun enthusiast.  This incident has led to statements by Obama that point to the certainty gun control laws on the horizon.  I am not a gun enthusiast.  But I am also not a gun hater.  Had the principal of that school been armed, or had someone in that Batman movie theater over the summer has a concealed weapons permit and a gun… both scenarios could have ended very differently.  Maybe.  But I can see the other side of the coin too.  Our country has a problem with people going crazy and shooting lots of people…. So we should keep giving everyone guns?  I am fat because I eat way too many goddamn snacks.  It only makes sense that if I can’t control myself with the snacks… I should not get more snacks and make sure those around me always have snacks in case I feel like I need one.  So when people argue that the best solution would be for MORE people to be armed… it feels a little counter intuitive  My statement to him that I didn’t see the need for assault weapons for hunting or protection was not well received in light of the fact that he was robbed over the summer.  And his argument to me that owning and shooting guns is a hobby,  in addition to protection, that he has the right to have and enjoy under the 2^nd amendment, just pissed me off because I could give to shits about anyone’s “hobbies” when at that time there were 20 tiny bodies laying in an empty school awaiting the completion of an investigation.

On the bright side...  In our silent morning, we were both so keyed up that we first cleaned my apartment, and then went over to his place and got that all clean too.  Then once everyplace was clean… there was nothing left to do but reconnect looooong hug and snuggly nap on the couch.

It's a long one.....

 I have a confession.  I may seem breezy and carefree and stuff.  But I am not.  I am a worrier.  My biggest one lately has been Christmas.  This is the first Christmas since the divorce and things are going to be very different.  The giant moutain of presents that used to live under our tree will be much smaller at my house, and I assume at Rick's house as well.  Even if we both had buckets of money, there would still be half the presents since they are now split between two houses.  I realize that Christmas is not supposed to be about material things, and technically the kids will probably get the same amount of gifts as always... blah blah blah.  It's easy to rationalize all that stuff as an adult.  But when you are a kid who has had their entire life turned upside down over the past year because your parents couldn't make it work.........  and now you come downstairs in the morning to half the pile you are used to on your most favorite day of the year.... it's gonna hurt.  And if it were me... and it was me many many years ago.... I would be pissed off again at my sucky parents who ruined everything.  I don't know how to fix this and make it right and that makes me sad.

 

What I HAVE tried to do, is to make sure there that we do lots of fun Christmas things together and make sure the house is decorated and that while we are all together, we are enjoying ourselves.  It's kind of tough because Rick has the kids on the weekends, but we are making the best of it.  This past Monday after school we headed out to the Christmas tree farm, chopped down our own tree and then went to Target for some new ornaments.  We have never had a real tree before, so that was fun and a great new tradition.  We decided to go with a gold and white themed tree.  I didn't feel right just using all the old family ornaments that we have always used.  We are going to hang garland and hang our colored ornaments from that. 

 

 

So....  I am doing my best.  And I am trying not to let my guilt and worry consume me.  A while ago Lonnie and I were laying in bed and I was worrying and crying about something... I can't even remember what it was now.... and he delicately pointed out that my constant worrying about everything is just a manifestation of my thinking that I am omnipotent and have control over everyone and everything. ....and that is not a nice trait to have.  I keep that in mind as often as I can, and am trying not to worry and just know that I am doing my best. 

These photos would have been much more fun and festive if we had some snow on the ground... though that would have made the tree chopping a messier, colder endeavor, so green grass it is!