Stupid Fat Jeans

I had to buy fat jeans this weekend.  It pretty much sucked.  I had already decided that as of Feb 1 I was ON IT and going to lose 30 pounds, but the necessity to buy jeans for work because the ones I had were all too tight or had holes was a nice little push.  I actually started using My Fitness Pal already today... before my Feb 1 start date.

Why have I gained so much weight and what can I do to combat these things...

1-Winter.  I fucking HATE running when its cold out, and I fucking hate even more running on the treadmill.  I can barely run a mile on the treadmill before I want to stab my eyeballs out with a spoon.

• How will I combat this:  Well.... good question.  One thing is... this week we are having some warmer temperatures, so I will be able to run outside.  It is also starting to be lighter out after work which has been another roadblock.  I can also run from here or Lonnie’s house after work on sidewalks, so that is not really a factor.  Also... there are plenty of things I can do at the gym other than run on the treadmill.

2- “Special Occasions” When I told Lonnie I was starting the first, he said “So you are going to start a diet on a Friday... the weekend of the Superbowl.  That sounds like a fantastic plan.” ←-insert sarcasm there.  The fact is I use any excuse I can find to not be “on it”
It’s the weekend
It’s been a long week
It’s football Sunday
We are going out with friends
If I actually indulged only for those events, I would not be gaining weight.  I am gaining weight because I indulge all the time because “Well... why bother start now when the Superbowl is this weekend and I am going to eat bad anyway, I’ll just start the Monday after.”  That’s just stupid.  I have essentially spent the past several months giving myself license to eat all I want all the time for what have probably been 10 “special occasions.”  Had I eaten well every day other than those 10 days, I would still be the size I was in June.  

• How I will combat this:   I formally give myself license to indulge on special occasions, but no more than 1 a week.  The rest of the week is not a free-for-all.  No normal people just eat what they want all the freakin’ time.  I am going to Nashville for a week in February.  I know I am going to indulge.  But I also am going to enjoy the warmer temps and run or walk EVERY DAY.

3- Lonnie -Poor Lonnie.  I blame him all the time for my fatness and that is not fair at all.  Yes I have gained weight since we got together, but I am a grown woman and I am completely at fault for the shit I choose to put in my mouth and for my choices to snuggle with him rather than exercise.  He is ALWAYS up for a trip to the gym or a walk just as much as he is up for snuggling on the couch.  We do kind of feed off each other’s laziness a bit though.  And we also both loooooove to cook and to eat bad food.  But when I am “on it” he is completely supportive and stays “on it” with me.  And since the fat fairy has visited him as well as it as me... being on it is just as important for him as it is for me.  Especially since he gains all his weight in the belly and that’s the bad heart attacky place.  I kinda want my boy to stick around for a looooong time, so it’s important that we take care of ourselves.

• How I will combat this.  I will be on it.  I will not say ever again that it is his fault that I am getting fat.  It isn’t!  I will take care of myself and eat right and exercise and he can join me or not.  What he is doing is not what I have to be doing.  I am a grown woman.  I am strong and independent.  I have lost weight before and I know how to do it.  

No year in review...

I usually do a 'year end review' post.  Although I looked and I didn't do it last year for some reason.  I think we alllllllll know how the last year has been and don't really need to hash it out again.  When I was looking to see if I did one last year I re-read lots of my posts from last year and it was a nice little journey.  I wonder sometimes if I went through everything too fast.  And then I wonder if that matters?  Should I have been sad and angry longer?  Was I supposed have taken more time alone before jumping back into dating to learn more about myself.  It seems like every other Pinterest quote is something about learning to love to be alone or learning to love yourself before you love someone else.  Which I don't really understand. The whole point of human existence it seems is to find your partner and enjoy each other and then die.  Humans are naturally wired to couple up.  And naturally you are going to feel better when you have someone who loves you and cares about everything you do, and is a constant cheerleader.  Chris Brown (who I can't stand) actually has a line in a song right now that says "Let me love you... until you learn... to love yourself" ....which flies in the face of all that other stuff like his fists flew in the face of Rihanna.  ;-)

Anyhoo.... that was a big ramble.  This year... whether I did was I was "supposed" to do or not.... I kissed a man at midnight New Year's Eve that makes me laugh, makes me feel loved and wanted and needed every second, who I love, want and need just as much ....and I guess that is all that really matters!!

Guns

On Friday a deranged psycho shot his way into an elementary school and took the lives of 6 school staff and 20 children, mostly kindergartners.  Just babies.  I can’t even imagine the horror that is now the life of those parents and families.  Every time I look under my Christmas tree at the presents that I wrapped over the weekend, all I can think about is all the presents under those trees in Connecticut that will never be opened.  What do you do with them?  Leave them there?  Open them and return them?  Throw them away?

Lonnie and I had a rough morning on Saturday that consisted of a little bit of arguing and then a LOTTA silence.  Lonnie is a gun enthusiast.  This incident has led to statements by Obama that point to the certainty gun control laws on the horizon.  I am not a gun enthusiast.  But I am also not a gun hater.  Had the principal of that school been armed, or had someone in that Batman movie theater over the summer has a concealed weapons permit and a gun… both scenarios could have ended very differently.  Maybe.  But I can see the other side of the coin too.  Our country has a problem with people going crazy and shooting lots of people…. So we should keep giving everyone guns?  I am fat because I eat way too many goddamn snacks.  It only makes sense that if I can’t control myself with the snacks… I should not get more snacks and make sure those around me always have snacks in case I feel like I need one.  So when people argue that the best solution would be for MORE people to be armed… it feels a little counter intuitive  My statement to him that I didn’t see the need for assault weapons for hunting or protection was not well received in light of the fact that he was robbed over the summer.  And his argument to me that owning and shooting guns is a hobby,  in addition to protection, that he has the right to have and enjoy under the 2^nd amendment, just pissed me off because I could give to shits about anyone’s “hobbies” when at that time there were 20 tiny bodies laying in an empty school awaiting the completion of an investigation.

On the bright side...  In our silent morning, we were both so keyed up that we first cleaned my apartment, and then went over to his place and got that all clean too.  Then once everyplace was clean… there was nothing left to do but reconnect looooong hug and snuggly nap on the couch.

It's a long one.....

 I have a confession.  I may seem breezy and carefree and stuff.  But I am not.  I am a worrier.  My biggest one lately has been Christmas.  This is the first Christmas since the divorce and things are going to be very different.  The giant moutain of presents that used to live under our tree will be much smaller at my house, and I assume at Rick's house as well.  Even if we both had buckets of money, there would still be half the presents since they are now split between two houses.  I realize that Christmas is not supposed to be about material things, and technically the kids will probably get the same amount of gifts as always... blah blah blah.  It's easy to rationalize all that stuff as an adult.  But when you are a kid who has had their entire life turned upside down over the past year because your parents couldn't make it work.........  and now you come downstairs in the morning to half the pile you are used to on your most favorite day of the year.... it's gonna hurt.  And if it were me... and it was me many many years ago.... I would be pissed off again at my sucky parents who ruined everything.  I don't know how to fix this and make it right and that makes me sad.

 

What I HAVE tried to do, is to make sure there that we do lots of fun Christmas things together and make sure the house is decorated and that while we are all together, we are enjoying ourselves.  It's kind of tough because Rick has the kids on the weekends, but we are making the best of it.  This past Monday after school we headed out to the Christmas tree farm, chopped down our own tree and then went to Target for some new ornaments.  We have never had a real tree before, so that was fun and a great new tradition.  We decided to go with a gold and white themed tree.  I didn't feel right just using all the old family ornaments that we have always used.  We are going to hang garland and hang our colored ornaments from that. 

 

 

So....  I am doing my best.  And I am trying not to let my guilt and worry consume me.  A while ago Lonnie and I were laying in bed and I was worrying and crying about something... I can't even remember what it was now.... and he delicately pointed out that my constant worrying about everything is just a manifestation of my thinking that I am omnipotent and have control over everyone and everything. ....and that is not a nice trait to have.  I keep that in mind as often as I can, and am trying not to worry and just know that I am doing my best. 

These photos would have been much more fun and festive if we had some snow on the ground... though that would have made the tree chopping a messier, colder endeavor, so green grass it is!

Different.

That is the general consensus about Thanksgiving this year.  New people there, other people that have always been there, not there.  But it was a very nice day.  I loved cooking with Lonnie and it was so nice to really feel like I was part of a team getting everything ready.  Mom came up from Nashville and Dad came up from his neck of the woods in Maine.  And we got LOTS of BABY TIME with Kaelyn... love that!!

30 days of Thankful

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER!!!

1. My kids ...who somehow balance the line of spoiled brat and sweet and helpful every single day.
2. My friends ...who somehow got me through the roughest year of my life relatively unscathed.
3. My love ...Lonnie is my rock, my source of endless laughter,  and my endless fountain snuggles and kisses.  I LOVES me some forehead kisses and he loves doling them out :)
4. Nicole ...Yes, I already said friends, but Nicole is more like a sister to me.  We had a really rough year as a result of all the changes in our lives and for awhile there I thought I had lost her.  I am beyond thankful that we made it through!
5. My family ...my family has been an awesome support system this year.  They are great at letting me know that they are there for me if I need them without being intrusive.
6. Chris ...my brother sacrificed his bachelorhood to move in with me waaaayyyy out in Winterport to help me out when I realized I had to move. 
7. Rick ...Yes believe it or not I am thankful for Rick.  His choices earlier this year set me free to find #3 up there.  He is also tries hard to be a good ex-husband and I appreciate that.  We have a good divorce relationship and I am thankful for that for the sake of our kids.
8. My job ...I love it.  I love the people I work with and I love most of the work that I do. 
9. Kinda sorta Financial stability.  I am certainly not rolling in cash by any means, but it's good to know that even though I am on my own now, I can pay my bills.
10. Ice cream.
11. Music.  Can't live without it.  All day every day.
12. Facebook ...sometimes it's irritating, but it is highly entertaining at times and also a nice way to be in touch with people I wouldn't otherwise see or talk to.  And lots of people reached out to me during the divorce, and I appreciated it a LOT!
13. Dogs.  Specifically....the lack of having any of my own.  I love it.
14. My iPhone.  It rules.
15. BIC Velocity Pens.  Yes, seriously
16. Running ...without it I would have lost my fucking mind this year.  
17. Cooking ...I love it.  Lonnie loves it.  It's fun!
18. My car ...It's an "old lady car" but I still love it!!
19. My "Period Tracker" app.  Knowing why I am feeling psycho is half the battle.
20. MYSELF!!! I am thankful and proud of myself for getting through my divorce and using it as a learning and growth experience rather than becoming entrenched in bitterness and anger.
21. Fountain Soda.  Nuff said.
22. My apartment.  It's a little out there in the williwags, and it certainly has some issues... but I love it!
23. My health 
24. Humor ...laughter is my favorite and I like to do it as much as possible.  See numbers 1-6 to see why I get to laugh so much :-)
25. Football ...LOVES IT!!  Even when my team sucks!
26. Sparkles!
27. The Red Box ...even though I own several because I forget to return them
28. cheese (stole that one from Jody... but it's a good one!)
29. Wine ...Lonnie and I have a little project of trying new wines to find one we both like.  FUN!
30. The interwebs ....more importantly.... PINTEREST!!!

Artsyness found

With all the drama this past year, I lost my artsy side for awhile.  The past month or so, I have felt it creeping back.  Lots of urges to "make stuff" ....especially because of PINTEREST... holy crap I love Pinterest!!

After Lonnie and my trip to the beach a couple weekends ago, I was dying to take Sean there to play.  Jessi got her braces off last week AND just had her 17th birthday so it was a PERFECT time for a photo shoot!!!  We do a shoot every fall  anyway because I hate school photos.  Glad I found my creative muscle in time to get it done this year :-D

It was so so so so so great to get out there with my camera and play with settings and light and then get home and play with lightroom!!!  LOVES IT!!!

Random stuff

I would like to be a better housekeeper.  I would also like everyone to stop leaving their damn socks everywhere.

I am finally starting to get around to hanging up some pictures and doing a little decorating and organizing around here.  Lonnie is pretty handy... and a little bossy ;-)  So when say things like 'I wish I could....' or 'someday I want to.....'  they are much more likely to happen than they were before.

Things have settled down here a bit. Finally.  Field Hockey season is over.  Jessi has a job at the local pizza place, and can walk to work, so the 'Mom Taxi' is back on light duty.  YAY!!  The family has settled in to a nice routine and the back and forth between houses doesn't seem as intrusive and overwhelming as it used to.

I am getting excited for the holidays!  I have REALLY high ceilings and I really want a tall, skinny Christmas tree!!  Mom is coming to visit for both turkey day, and xmas, so that will be nice too.  Surely there will be bumps in the road since this is our first set of holidays since the divorce, but I have no doubt we'll work it out.  Rick and I are actually pretty good at this whole 'divorced parenting' thing.

Acadia National Park

Yesterday looked like it was going to be a boring one.  It was a little blustery.  Not much to do.  Lonnie has a bit of a sinus infection.  I offhandedly said, "Let's go to Acadia" and he immediately said "ok!" I was delightedly surprised and thankful again for finding someone as spontaneous and open to anything as I am :)

We had an amazing day.  Mount Desert Island (where Acadia is) is special to him.  His family lived there when he was a kid and he spent lots of time there, so he is the best tour guide when we go and knows all kinds of secret places.  (Cadillac Mtn not being one of them, holy CRAP was that place crowded yesterday!!!)  I was wishing that I had my real camera and not just my iphone, but that's the price you pay for spontaneity.

Small Victories

Well I can't say I kicked ass and took names this week in the weight loss and exercise department.  It was "that week" and I tend to allow myself to wallow in that and use it as excuses to be lazy and eat shitty food.

All was not bad though.  I went to the gym one day.  And I have run for 2 days in a row.  I also had 3 days of eating really well, and tried some new healthy things.  Plain greek yogurt instead of sour cream for veggies and dip-it was ok, and recipe I saw in a magazine for oatmeal mixed with spinach and cheese on top with a sunny side up egg.... it was DELICIOUS.

Dragging Lonnie back on board too.  He has been sick and is just getting over a cold, but the Turkey trot is a little over a month away and he wants to run it with me... and I really want him to!!

I WILL lose 10 pounds in October.

I had a goal set to get a tattoo to signify my losing 100 pounds and my new lfe.  I was 13 pounds away from said goal.

.....THEN I fell in love with this guy....

And now I am 23 pounds away from said goal....LOL!!  So I fell off the wagon a bit.  It's SO hard to stick to eating right and exercising when I don't have that pit of anger fueling my every move. ...When snuggling is FAR more appealing than getting up and going to the gym.  ....When the man you love is a FANTASTIC cook... and you are no slouch in the kitchen yourself and want to show off all the things you can make for him.  THANK GOODNESS we also run and go to the gym or that 10 pound gain would be at least 20!!

So October = IT'S FUCKING ON!!!!!!!!!!  I am going to run 2 miles every morning in addition to the gym and whatever else I do.  I am also going to get my hands on either p90x or the Insanity Workout and hopefully make myself puke from working so hard.  As for the food... well... less snacking on shit!!  I tend to snack my way through the evening when I am not with Lonnie.  Comfort food I suppose because I miss him when he is not around.  I am such a baby.  So I need to think of a new solution to that issue.....

I'm working on it.

 

I have done a lot of self exploration this past year and I am still working on it.  I wake up every day thinking about stuff and how I can do better, be better, not fall into old habits.  Stuff I am working on...

• I am working on learning to lean on my partner and trust that he can catch me.  This one hasn't been very difficult as he catches me with grace and love every time.  In the past I never even felt like I could cry in front of my partner... never mind share my deepest fears and thoughts.  This past Saturday I got a text message from my mother-in-law that made me cry.  In the past I would have stuffed it down and not given it another thought.  Saturday I let myself feel it... began to cry and pulled over the car and asked Lonnie to drive.  He held me by the side of the road for a minute while I cried and then drove us the rest of the way.

• I am working hard to be the best mom I can be.  I am making sure to hang out with them EVERY day doing something whether it's watching Mythbusters with Sean or making sure to be at all of Jessi's home games... and local away games.  I am fixing them snacks and bringing them where they want to go (within reason) without sighing or grumbling.  I am trying to balance this by talking to them often about thinking about being considerate to me and others and expecting them to act on that.  It's WORKING too!!  Two nights in a row now, Sean has gotten up and offered to get me a drink all on his own.  Baby steps, people.  Baby Steps.  ;-)

• I am working on being financially responsible.  This has always been a tough one for me.  I am working on this by always knowing exactly how much money I have on hand.  REALLY thinking about things before I buy them.  And trying to teach the kids to really think about needs vs wants.  

• I am working to let people have their space and feelings.  I have always tried to control everyone and every situation around me.  Always trying to make everything "ok."  I have learned that sometimes it's just NOT ok and there is NOTHING I can do about other peoples behaviors and feelings other than be there when they need me.  I have always had trouble with people around me being "emotional" ....because I can't control it.  I thinking accepting my own emotions has made me more able to accept other people's as well.

Anyway.... I am not... and will never be a perfect person.  But I am working on being better and I hope to never stop.

Organized.

So as I mentioned in my last post...  I am a bit overwhelmed with life right now.  Since then I have just gotten more and more so and finally yesterday reached my breaking point of frustration and at the suggestion of my friend Dyan decided that it's time to COMPLETELY organize my life on a calendar.  Everything from time with Lonnie to when I am going to run.  Once I got it all in my google calendar, I have to say I was first shocked at how busy I am... and second felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted from me having everything on "paper" to see at a glance.  It's like ALL that stuff was bouncing around in my head all the time like tons of high speed ping pong balls and now they are all gone and there is a little peace and quiet in there now.

I have gained 10 pounds over the past 3 months and I am hoping that my new calendarized life will help me to get back on track as it a.  has taken away a big stress and b.  having specific set workout times make me much less likely to flake out.

My life now. AKA I need a nap

My previous life included naps.  Not every day.  But at least a few a week.  My previous life also included a lot of chillin' in from of the television with the kids.  Especially while Rick and I were living in the same house for so long trying to avoid each other by sequestering ourselves in separate rooms... only coming out to grab food now and then.

Now... I am BUSY!! Juggling work... kid time... friend time... and time with the man I love is mentally and physically exhausting.  Wherever I am... I have a bit of guilt/wishing that I was with the other.  I feel constantly pulled in several directions.  Gone are the hours wasted on Pinterest and facebook.  And I realize that stuff was lazy and a waste of time.  But obviously it was also time for me to completely unplug from thinking and interacting and thinking and doing and thinking.

I also miss the kids a lot.  They spend every weekend with Rick, so my time with them is basically an hour between when I get home from work and the gym and get chores and dinner done and they go to bed.

Don't misunderstand... I am deliriously happy.  I am in love.  I have awesome kids and fantastic friends and I just want them all... all the time.  And of COURSE I could take an evening off and lose myself in Pinterest. but I don't want to miss out on time with anyone to do that.

I know this is all new.  This is a transition time.  And we will all settle in to a routine eventually.   But until then...  I need a nap.  Like now.

Happy :)

Jumping in!!!

I have met someone. Someone amazing. Someone that makes me feel amazing every day. Makes me laugh my ass off and can talk my ear off and happily listens to me as I talk off his. ;-) Someone who, for the first time in my life, I care more about making sure HE feels amazing every day too, than I do about almost anything else.

We have moved fast. Too fast for the comfort level of some people in my life and I completely understand their concerns. Part of the quick comfort we felt with each other is because we worked together 12 or so years ago, so we already felt like we knew each other and instantly had something in common... Even though we are both completely different people now. I have jumped in with booth feet and have completely left myself vulnerable to getting very hurt. But you know what... I don't care. I have spent my entire life protecting myself from being hurt, always making sure I had the upper hand in relationships. Never showing my vulnerable side. As a result I led a life of negativity and hostility. I like to think that my life up until now was training me for a life of peace and happiness with the right person. Over the past several months I have worked very hard to learn from my mistakes in my marriage and my other close relationships and I am ready to practice all my new skills :)

So I thought the 4th of July 3k race would be "easy" because it's only 3k. It should have been a cinch since that's less than I run on a regular basis. Everyone told me it wasn't eays because of the faster pace and the heat, but as most of you know, I don't believe anything until I see it with my own eyes. And I did. That was a rough one!! I had my best mile time ever though and fished the race in 18:14 and I finished 417th out of 545. Which is kind of an lol... But I'll take it ;)

Home

So THIS is what happiness and contentment feels like!!! I should be overwhelmed and stressed with all the stuff that needs to be done, but I'm not. The day of the move was a bit rough, but that was just a couple hours of freakout and I was easily talked of my ledge by my peeps :)

We have only been here a couple days and already people are popping over and I have a house full of teenagers all the time, just the way I like... no LOVE it!!!

1-4-3

I switched to the nike app from the runmeter app that I was using to track my runs.  I was bummed to lose all my data and have to start fresh, but oh well.  I was just looking through my data from my runmeter app and the nike app and I have run ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE MILES this year!!  That's freaking crazy-talk!!  

I have the key!!!

...to my new Apartment!!  I have been over there a few times this weekend just to look again and measure for furniture.  I am kinda bummed that I won't be able to take my kind sized bed, but it just isn't going to work in my room.  It would literally be a BED room.


Nicole and I went for a run in my new hometown.  Damn that is one hilly freakin' place!!


I can't WAIT to get in there next weekend and start calling it home :)


Other local action....  Finished "the book"  learned a LOT about myself and who I am and why I am and how to fix it all.  I can't recommend that book enough!


I joined a dating website at the suggestion of friends who felt it was time to "get back out there."  Apparently that's how "EVERYONE" does it now.  Remember... I have never done ANY of this before!!  I have been with Rick since I was basically still a child!!  So this is allllll new to me! So as part of my current 'learning about myself and growing as a person' experiment, I went for it... even though I was scared.  It's already been a positive experience and I really am learning a lot about what I like and don't like, and what I want in a partner someday.  SOMEDAY.