I'm working on it.

 

I have done a lot of self exploration this past year and I am still working on it.  I wake up every day thinking about stuff and how I can do better, be better, not fall into old habits.  Stuff I am working on...

• I am working on learning to lean on my partner and trust that he can catch me.  This one hasn't been very difficult as he catches me with grace and love every time.  In the past I never even felt like I could cry in front of my partner... never mind share my deepest fears and thoughts.  This past Saturday I got a text message from my mother-in-law that made me cry.  In the past I would have stuffed it down and not given it another thought.  Saturday I let myself feel it... began to cry and pulled over the car and asked Lonnie to drive.  He held me by the side of the road for a minute while I cried and then drove us the rest of the way.

• I am working hard to be the best mom I can be.  I am making sure to hang out with them EVERY day doing something whether it's watching Mythbusters with Sean or making sure to be at all of Jessi's home games... and local away games.  I am fixing them snacks and bringing them where they want to go (within reason) without sighing or grumbling.  I am trying to balance this by talking to them often about thinking about being considerate to me and others and expecting them to act on that.  It's WORKING too!!  Two nights in a row now, Sean has gotten up and offered to get me a drink all on his own.  Baby steps, people.  Baby Steps.  ;-)

• I am working on being financially responsible.  This has always been a tough one for me.  I am working on this by always knowing exactly how much money I have on hand.  REALLY thinking about things before I buy them.  And trying to teach the kids to really think about needs vs wants.  

• I am working to let people have their space and feelings.  I have always tried to control everyone and every situation around me.  Always trying to make everything "ok."  I have learned that sometimes it's just NOT ok and there is NOTHING I can do about other peoples behaviors and feelings other than be there when they need me.  I have always had trouble with people around me being "emotional" ....because I can't control it.  I thinking accepting my own emotions has made me more able to accept other people's as well.

Anyway.... I am not... and will never be a perfect person.  But I am working on being better and I hope to never stop.

Organized.

So as I mentioned in my last post...  I am a bit overwhelmed with life right now.  Since then I have just gotten more and more so and finally yesterday reached my breaking point of frustration and at the suggestion of my friend Dyan decided that it's time to COMPLETELY organize my life on a calendar.  Everything from time with Lonnie to when I am going to run.  Once I got it all in my google calendar, I have to say I was first shocked at how busy I am... and second felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted from me having everything on "paper" to see at a glance.  It's like ALL that stuff was bouncing around in my head all the time like tons of high speed ping pong balls and now they are all gone and there is a little peace and quiet in there now.

I have gained 10 pounds over the past 3 months and I am hoping that my new calendarized life will help me to get back on track as it a.  has taken away a big stress and b.  having specific set workout times make me much less likely to flake out.

My life now. AKA I need a nap

My previous life included naps.  Not every day.  But at least a few a week.  My previous life also included a lot of chillin' in from of the television with the kids.  Especially while Rick and I were living in the same house for so long trying to avoid each other by sequestering ourselves in separate rooms... only coming out to grab food now and then.

Now... I am BUSY!! Juggling work... kid time... friend time... and time with the man I love is mentally and physically exhausting.  Wherever I am... I have a bit of guilt/wishing that I was with the other.  I feel constantly pulled in several directions.  Gone are the hours wasted on Pinterest and facebook.  And I realize that stuff was lazy and a waste of time.  But obviously it was also time for me to completely unplug from thinking and interacting and thinking and doing and thinking.

I also miss the kids a lot.  They spend every weekend with Rick, so my time with them is basically an hour between when I get home from work and the gym and get chores and dinner done and they go to bed.

Don't misunderstand... I am deliriously happy.  I am in love.  I have awesome kids and fantastic friends and I just want them all... all the time.  And of COURSE I could take an evening off and lose myself in Pinterest. but I don't want to miss out on time with anyone to do that.

I know this is all new.  This is a transition time.  And we will all settle in to a routine eventually.   But until then...  I need a nap.  Like now.

Happy :)

Jumping in!!!

I have met someone. Someone amazing. Someone that makes me feel amazing every day. Makes me laugh my ass off and can talk my ear off and happily listens to me as I talk off his. ;-) Someone who, for the first time in my life, I care more about making sure HE feels amazing every day too, than I do about almost anything else.

We have moved fast. Too fast for the comfort level of some people in my life and I completely understand their concerns. Part of the quick comfort we felt with each other is because we worked together 12 or so years ago, so we already felt like we knew each other and instantly had something in common... Even though we are both completely different people now. I have jumped in with booth feet and have completely left myself vulnerable to getting very hurt. But you know what... I don't care. I have spent my entire life protecting myself from being hurt, always making sure I had the upper hand in relationships. Never showing my vulnerable side. As a result I led a life of negativity and hostility. I like to think that my life up until now was training me for a life of peace and happiness with the right person. Over the past several months I have worked very hard to learn from my mistakes in my marriage and my other close relationships and I am ready to practice all my new skills :)

So I thought the 4th of July 3k race would be "easy" because it's only 3k. It should have been a cinch since that's less than I run on a regular basis. Everyone told me it wasn't eays because of the faster pace and the heat, but as most of you know, I don't believe anything until I see it with my own eyes. And I did. That was a rough one!! I had my best mile time ever though and fished the race in 18:14 and I finished 417th out of 545. Which is kind of an lol... But I'll take it ;)

Home

So THIS is what happiness and contentment feels like!!! I should be overwhelmed and stressed with all the stuff that needs to be done, but I'm not. The day of the move was a bit rough, but that was just a couple hours of freakout and I was easily talked of my ledge by my peeps :)

We have only been here a couple days and already people are popping over and I have a house full of teenagers all the time, just the way I like... no LOVE it!!!

1-4-3

I switched to the nike app from the runmeter app that I was using to track my runs.  I was bummed to lose all my data and have to start fresh, but oh well.  I was just looking through my data from my runmeter app and the nike app and I have run ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE MILES this year!!  That's freaking crazy-talk!!  

I have the key!!!

...to my new Apartment!!  I have been over there a few times this weekend just to look again and measure for furniture.  I am kinda bummed that I won't be able to take my kind sized bed, but it just isn't going to work in my room.  It would literally be a BED room.


Nicole and I went for a run in my new hometown.  Damn that is one hilly freakin' place!!


I can't WAIT to get in there next weekend and start calling it home :)


Other local action....  Finished "the book"  learned a LOT about myself and who I am and why I am and how to fix it all.  I can't recommend that book enough!


I joined a dating website at the suggestion of friends who felt it was time to "get back out there."  Apparently that's how "EVERYONE" does it now.  Remember... I have never done ANY of this before!!  I have been with Rick since I was basically still a child!!  So this is allllll new to me! So as part of my current 'learning about myself and growing as a person' experiment, I went for it... even though I was scared.  It's already been a positive experience and I really am learning a lot about what I like and don't like, and what I want in a partner someday.  SOMEDAY.  

The power of the playlist

I ran this morning because it's supposed to me in the mid 90's today, and humid, so I knew that if I didn't do it this morning, there was no way in hell I was going to do it this afternoon in the blazing sun and heat.  I haven't had a "good" run since the race I ran on Saturday.  It was SUPPOSED to be a 4 mile race, but it turned out to be a 5 miler.  False advertising!!!!  I did great though and totally rocked it!  Anyhoo....  I have run twice since then and both times have ended up doing more walking than running, which is HIGHLY IRRITATING!!!  I blame the weather, the 5 mile 4 mile race, and PMS ;-)

This morning I had gone around 2 miles and hit that wall I keep hitting and started walking.  I walked for a couple minutes and then Christina Aguilera's 'Candyman' came on.  I freaking DARE you to listen to that song and not get movin!'  Thanks to Xtina, I was able to run all the way back home. And THAT, my friends, is THE POWER OF THE PLAYLIST!!

I LOVE looking at other people's running playlists to see what motivates them and almost every time I do, I find fun stuff to add to my own.

Here's mine....

1. JAY-Z – 99 Problems
2. Soul Asylum – 99%
3. DJ Khaled – All I Do Is Win - Feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross
4. Kid Rock – American Bad A**
5. Lenny Kravitz – Are You Gonna Go My Way
6. Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back
7. Skrillex – Bangarang - feat. Sirah
8. Violent Femmes – Blister In The Sun
9. Beastie Boys – Body Movin'
10. Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff
11. Christina Aguilera – Candyman
12. Kid Rock – Cowboy
13. Survivor – Eye Of The Tiger
14. The Wanted – Glad You Came
15. Ludacris & Shawnna – How Low
16. The Black Keys – Howlin' For You
17. David Guetta – I Can Only Imagine - feat. Chris Brown & Lil Wayne
18. Hot Chelle Rae – I Like It Like That Featuring New Boyz
19. Anthrax – I'm The Man
20. RUN-DMC – It's Tricky
21. Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – Let's Go - Radio Edit
22. The Black Keys – Lonely Boy
23. Alice In Chains – Man In The Box
24. Nickelback – Next Go Round
25. One Direction – One Thing
26. Barenaked Ladies – One Week
27. Maroon 5 – Payphone
28. Nicki Minaj – Pound The Alarm
29. Bruno Mars – Runaway Baby
30. Beastie Boys – Sabotage
31. Everclear – Santa Monica - 2004 Digital Remaster
32. Michael Franti & Spearhead – Say Hey (I Love You)
33. Pitbull – Shake Senora Remix Featuring T-Pain, Sean Paul & Ludacris
34. Puddle Of Mudd – She Hates Me
35. Jack White – Sixteen Saltines
36. Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
37. Soul Asylum – Somebody To Shove
38. Savage – Swing
39. Enrique Iglesias – Tonight (I'm F**kin' You)
40. Outasight – Tonight Is The Night
41. Chumbawamba – Tubthumping
42. One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful
43. Nicki Minaj – Whip It
44. Eminem – Won't Back Down (feat. P!nk)

Read this book.

Seriously.  I would even say that if you HAVEN'T gone through a break-up or a loss that you should read this book.  I have been reading it and doing the exercises this week and I have to say that I have learned SO much about myself and my relationships (all of them... not just the one with Rick) and why I do the thinks I do and feel the things I feel.


The subtitle of the book is 'How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.'  And she means it.


Some stuff I have learned has been hard to face, and there have been lots of "AHA" moments.  Bottom line:  I fled my shitty home-life into Rick's arms.  He was older and "experienced." (I was 15, he was 'almost 20!') He was extremely attentive.  His family was fun and loving with each other.  His father worshiped the ground that his mother walked on.  I felt calm, and safe, and laughed often when spending time at his house.  My home life got better once I entered the relationship with Rick, I started actually attending classes at school (I was actually expelled when we first got together), and started thinking about my future and making changes accordingly to ensure that I actually HAD a future that didn't involve living in a car (which I was at the time).  Those were a couple of great years.  He definitely "saved me" and maybe I have always felt like I owed him my life for that?  There were SO many times I almost left, and tried to leave, even back then.  But something always made me stay... then the kids came along.... and life... and house-building....  It was easy to focus on all that stuff and avoid looking at anything else.  It wasn't until the kids got a little older and more independent, and I got the job at EAAA that I started to really change and grow up and realize that I am my own person with needs and wants that don't at all match those of Rick's.  Rick is a person who is content with things just 'being.'  I am not.  I want to DO!!  and GO!!  and MAKE!! and GO!! (I know I said GO!! twice :::wink:::)  Certainly Rick felt my starting to pull away, and took matters into his own hands (so to speak) and took control of the situation.... and here we are.


Wow I wasn't really planning on writing that much.  I just wanted to make you all read the book.  So, yeah.  Read the book.

Getaway

Nicole and I took a much needed mini-vacation to Massachusetts to see Dave Matthew's Band earlier this week.  We stayed with my Auntie Joyce and I had even more fun with her than I did at the concert!  It was so nice to be able to just relax and hang out with her for more than a quick little visit.  Got some video of my favorite DMB song ever 'Say Goodbye', that I was lucky enough to hear them play.  Ironically it's a song about cheating, which one would assume was not my favorite subject, but I have always loved this song and nobody can take that away from me :)  Also... had cheating not been a part of my life, I wouldn't now be free to live my life the way I choose and find the person that I am REALLY meant to be with.

I was incredibly tempted not to go with everything going on around here, but Nicole has always dreamed of seeing Dave, and she has 'taken one for the team' when it comes to going to concerts with me, so there was no way I was going to leave her hanging.  So glad I went.

Now we are in full-on packing mode!!!  I found an apartment in Winterport, which coincidentally is the same apartment I lived in as a teen with my mom and brothers.  WEIRD RIGHT!!??  We are moving July 1st and I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Oh AND... I had a fun little visit with my favorite baby on Friday... and one of my favorite brothers ;-)  I already put 2 videos on facebook, but here's another!!

Dislike.

These are the nights I hate and feel the most alone.  I have never been a giant fan of nighttime thunderstorms.  Seems like there have been a million over the past couple months, when in reality there have been maybe 2 or 3.  I HATE those giant crackly ones and the whole storm am on edge just waiting for it to happen.  And it ALWAYS seems to happen in that one freakin' moment I wasn't ready for it!

So... since sleep is not going to happen until this dumb storm ends... why not blog?

It's weird when you suddenly notice a little thing you miss about a relationship... even though you couldn't be more relieved, done, and ready-to-move on.  Moments like that sneak up on you like that damn crackly thunder.

Alrighty... things seem to be calming down out there and Christian Grey beckons.  What I wouldn't give to be snuggled up with HIM tonight (just no spankings please)!!!! ;-)

Running Club... like Fight Club without the punching!

Dyan had a great idea a couple weeks ago. (Well... I'm sure she has had other great ideas before, and since, but I REALLY liked this one!)  Since there are several of us that are into running n' stuff, she thought it would be fun to all do it together on a regular basis, and it SO IS!!  We now run Tuesday and Thursday after work and Sunday mornings... and other times PRN ;-)  Like today... because it was a holiday and we didn't run yesterday for assorted reasons.  It is so perfect because we are all together, but at the same time, we separate out into little groups sorted by speed so everyone gets to go at their own pace.  I am in the slow group... for now ;-)

I LOVE this group of girls!  SO different from the people I used to hang out with that live so unhealthily and are 'proud of it' ....yet then spend hours bitching about all their health issues.  This group is FUN, and HEALTHY, and everyone is SO positive and encouraging to each other.  It's just a whole new vibe and it's fantastic.

Back to life

Yesterday I noticed that for the past several months our whole house has been in mourning.  I knew we were all having a tough time, but until yesterday, I didn't realize how quiet and sad the whole atmosphere around here has been.  The kids were not having friends over, everyone was staying segregated into one area, and it was just quiet.  Too quiet.  This house is not used to quiet.

The only reason I noticed it is because yesterday things were feeling not 'back to normal' ...we don't know what our normal will be yet, but the house felt ALIVE again.  Jessi had a whole bunch of friends over to help me color her hair, Sean had a friend over for a sleepover.  Jessi and I did a couple hours of volunteer work in the morning.  Rick and I worked around the yard and house.  It was a gorgeous, sunny day.  Was it perfect?  Not by a long shot.  Am I super excited to move out and move on?  HELL YES!

It was SO great to hear girls screaming and laughing, and boys yelling and running around.  I didn't even know I was missing it until it came back.  I didn't even bother yelling at them when it was all still going on at 1am ;-)

P.S.  Ignore the cats in the photo.  The 'add cats to your pics' app for iphone is all the rage in the teenage set right now ;-)

Well it only took like 3 years....

But these legs FINALLY just ran 3 miles with no stopping to walk at ALL!!! I am so excited! :)

Pretty sure most of not being able to do it was just in my head for quite awhile now.... So I really only defeated my brain, but I'll take it damnit!!

AND as a bonus... I didn't even have to be angry to do it ;)

Workin' 9 to 5......

I started working 40 hours this week. I had gone up to 35 from 30 awhile ago, and now I am up to 40. So basically I now go in at 8am instead of 9. I can't believe how much more tired I am! I even took a nap yesterday! I'm sure I'll get used to it quickly, but all this change is just exhausting! ....in a good way. I love my job and I don't mind being there at all. I work with amazing people and I have fun and I get to be a know-it-all all day long every day and get paid to do it.. Love that! LOL

S'all goooooooood.....

So.... I realize after my last post some of you may be concerned that I may need to be on suicide and/or homicide watch ;-)  I am here to assure you that I am ok... I will be ok... and it's alllllll gonna be ok.  That was a bad, bad day.  The good thing is that those are getting less frequent, with LOTS more good days in between.

Today was a GREAT day!!  I went to the coast with Nicole to the 'Camden Cake Walk.' I even dusted off my REAL camera for the event... though I must admit I ended up taking more pics with my iphone.  That sucker really does take great photos and messing with camera settings on my old camera is a pain -in-the-ass.

After cake I came home feeling fantastic (and a little bit sick from too much cake).  I cleaned the house like crazy, and it REALLY needed it as I have been a little checked-out lately... and a little 'it's-not-my-house-anymore-why-the-hell-bother.  But that kind of attitude will get me nowhere.  I need to focus back on being the person I want to be NOW, not the person I want to be once this is all over.


Anyway... back to CAKE and PHOTOS... about 900 photos.... of Nicole....LOL!

She's baaaaaaaaack......

I am having a "I am never going to find a place to live and I am going to die alone" day.  I FUCKING HATE Rick.  I hate him for taking all these years of my life when I could have been with someone, or been finding someone who actually gave a shit about anyone other than himself.  I hate him for already having a new person in his life while I am alone and have nobody.  Yes.... I have friends and family and they are great and wonderful and I am thankful for them all every day, but it's NOT THE SAME THING AND YOU KNOW IT!!!  It's completely different to have someone who is your partner and actually wants to hear the daily minutia and wants to share theirs with you.... and you WANT to hear it!!   How am I ever going to have that at this point in life?  I am full of "baggage" and nobody wants to take that shit on, and I don't blame them.

I HATE him for making feel all this HATE and ANGER all the time!!!!  I hate feeling this way and I am trapped in a house with him having to see his stupid face and watch him text with his stupid whore who btw... I was forced to add to our 'Verizon Friends and Family' plan to prevent us from going over our minutes and huge overage charges... guess how THAT felt?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just so done.  I am so sick of this and there is no way all my friends and family aren't sick of it all too.  I am done talking about it anywhere but here.  Why should anyone else be tortured?

I do see a pattern here.  I go several days all 'strong and empowered' and then completely lose my shit for a day... and then go back to feeling good again.  I think it's because I feel like I HAVE to be strong for the kids and for everyone around me and people are ALWAYS AROUND!!!  I have to show everyone... including the shithead... that I am going to be JUST FINE.  And sometimes it's just exhausting.

Therapy, really?

At the insistence of several friends, I saw a therapist when shit started going down around here.  I am SO anti-therapy/counseling... you have NO idea.  So I only went reluctantly... but also with an open mind.  (Open mind part mostly out of spite for people who said "You are not going to get anything out of this, you are going to go in there all attitudey and arm-crossey and not listen to a word she says."  ---if it was reverse psychology, kudos to you!)

I have to admit, it has actually been helpful!  I have learned a lot about myself, and about my relationship with Rick.  I see things now that I didn't see before.  Most importantly, I am learning to manage my behavior.  Once I recognized WHY I was acting the way I was acting, it was SO much easier to STOP acting that way.

I am focusing now on behaving as the person I want to be once I am on the other side of this. The biggest thing that I have to learn and keep reminding myself is that I CANNOT CONTROL THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.  Which is hard because I really think that I can.  Which only leads to me blaming myself for everything all the time because I think that I had control over it all the whole time... which I really didn't.  My other "biggie" is that I am trying SO hard to not been seen as 'weak' or a 'victim' here, that I was on the whole other side of the spectrum and being aggressive and even abusive.    I felt like being friendly or even cordial to him was showing that I was 'ok' with what he did, and that's just dumb.  I am divorcing him.  I am obviously not ok with what he did. Which takes me back to the person I want to be when I get on the other side of this and she is NOT a person who is aggressive or abusive to anyone.  

I am honestly so glad that I am going through all of this.  Yeah it sucks.  But this is a chance for me to really learn about myself, and better myself, and I am going to take this opportunity and run with it.

Exhibit A:  The girl who lived in this body a few weeks ago NEVER would have admitted to going to counseling, let alone GO to counseling, because she thought counseling was a waste of time for losers who want to go whine endlessly about their lives.  The girl who lives in this body today still feels like some people are using counseling improperly, but can see that it has it's place.