Therapy, really?

At the insistence of several friends, I saw a therapist when shit started going down around here.  I am SO anti-therapy/counseling... you have NO idea.  So I only went reluctantly... but also with an open mind.  (Open mind part mostly out of spite for people who said "You are not going to get anything out of this, you are going to go in there all attitudey and arm-crossey and not listen to a word she says."  ---if it was reverse psychology, kudos to you!)

I have to admit, it has actually been helpful!  I have learned a lot about myself, and about my relationship with Rick.  I see things now that I didn't see before.  Most importantly, I am learning to manage my behavior.  Once I recognized WHY I was acting the way I was acting, it was SO much easier to STOP acting that way.

I am focusing now on behaving as the person I want to be once I am on the other side of this. The biggest thing that I have to learn and keep reminding myself is that I CANNOT CONTROL THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.  Which is hard because I really think that I can.  Which only leads to me blaming myself for everything all the time because I think that I had control over it all the whole time... which I really didn't.  My other "biggie" is that I am trying SO hard to not been seen as 'weak' or a 'victim' here, that I was on the whole other side of the spectrum and being aggressive and even abusive.    I felt like being friendly or even cordial to him was showing that I was 'ok' with what he did, and that's just dumb.  I am divorcing him.  I am obviously not ok with what he did. Which takes me back to the person I want to be when I get on the other side of this and she is NOT a person who is aggressive or abusive to anyone.  

I am honestly so glad that I am going through all of this.  Yeah it sucks.  But this is a chance for me to really learn about myself, and better myself, and I am going to take this opportunity and run with it.

Exhibit A:  The girl who lived in this body a few weeks ago NEVER would have admitted to going to counseling, let alone GO to counseling, because she thought counseling was a waste of time for losers who want to go whine endlessly about their lives.  The girl who lives in this body today still feels like some people are using counseling improperly, but can see that it has it's place.