So I thought the 4th of July 3k race would be "easy" because it's only 3k. It should have been a cinch since that's less than I run on a regular basis. Everyone told me it wasn't eays because of the faster pace and the heat, but as most of you know, I don't believe anything until I see it with my own eyes. And I did. That was a rough one!! I had my best mile time ever though and fished the race in 18:14 and I finished 417th out of 545. Which is kind of an lol... But I'll take it ;)

Home

So THIS is what happiness and contentment feels like!!! I should be overwhelmed and stressed with all the stuff that needs to be done, but I'm not. The day of the move was a bit rough, but that was just a couple hours of freakout and I was easily talked of my ledge by my peeps :)

We have only been here a couple days and already people are popping over and I have a house full of teenagers all the time, just the way I like... no LOVE it!!!

1-4-3

I switched to the nike app from the runmeter app that I was using to track my runs.  I was bummed to lose all my data and have to start fresh, but oh well.  I was just looking through my data from my runmeter app and the nike app and I have run ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE MILES this year!!  That's freaking crazy-talk!!  

I have the key!!!

...to my new Apartment!!  I have been over there a few times this weekend just to look again and measure for furniture.  I am kinda bummed that I won't be able to take my kind sized bed, but it just isn't going to work in my room.  It would literally be a BED room.


Nicole and I went for a run in my new hometown.  Damn that is one hilly freakin' place!!


I can't WAIT to get in there next weekend and start calling it home :)


Other local action....  Finished "the book"  learned a LOT about myself and who I am and why I am and how to fix it all.  I can't recommend that book enough!


I joined a dating website at the suggestion of friends who felt it was time to "get back out there."  Apparently that's how "EVERYONE" does it now.  Remember... I have never done ANY of this before!!  I have been with Rick since I was basically still a child!!  So this is allllll new to me! So as part of my current 'learning about myself and growing as a person' experiment, I went for it... even though I was scared.  It's already been a positive experience and I really am learning a lot about what I like and don't like, and what I want in a partner someday.  SOMEDAY.  

The power of the playlist

I ran this morning because it's supposed to me in the mid 90's today, and humid, so I knew that if I didn't do it this morning, there was no way in hell I was going to do it this afternoon in the blazing sun and heat.  I haven't had a "good" run since the race I ran on Saturday.  It was SUPPOSED to be a 4 mile race, but it turned out to be a 5 miler.  False advertising!!!!  I did great though and totally rocked it!  Anyhoo....  I have run twice since then and both times have ended up doing more walking than running, which is HIGHLY IRRITATING!!!  I blame the weather, the 5 mile 4 mile race, and PMS ;-)

This morning I had gone around 2 miles and hit that wall I keep hitting and started walking.  I walked for a couple minutes and then Christina Aguilera's 'Candyman' came on.  I freaking DARE you to listen to that song and not get movin!'  Thanks to Xtina, I was able to run all the way back home. And THAT, my friends, is THE POWER OF THE PLAYLIST!!

I LOVE looking at other people's running playlists to see what motivates them and almost every time I do, I find fun stuff to add to my own.

Here's mine....

1. JAY-Z – 99 Problems
2. Soul Asylum – 99%
3. DJ Khaled – All I Do Is Win - Feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross
4. Kid Rock – American Bad A**
5. Lenny Kravitz – Are You Gonna Go My Way
6. Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back
7. Skrillex – Bangarang - feat. Sirah
8. Violent Femmes – Blister In The Sun
9. Beastie Boys – Body Movin'
10. Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff
11. Christina Aguilera – Candyman
12. Kid Rock – Cowboy
13. Survivor – Eye Of The Tiger
14. The Wanted – Glad You Came
15. Ludacris & Shawnna – How Low
16. The Black Keys – Howlin' For You
17. David Guetta – I Can Only Imagine - feat. Chris Brown & Lil Wayne
18. Hot Chelle Rae – I Like It Like That Featuring New Boyz
19. Anthrax – I'm The Man
20. RUN-DMC – It's Tricky
21. Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – Let's Go - Radio Edit
22. The Black Keys – Lonely Boy
23. Alice In Chains – Man In The Box
24. Nickelback – Next Go Round
25. One Direction – One Thing
26. Barenaked Ladies – One Week
27. Maroon 5 – Payphone
28. Nicki Minaj – Pound The Alarm
29. Bruno Mars – Runaway Baby
30. Beastie Boys – Sabotage
31. Everclear – Santa Monica - 2004 Digital Remaster
32. Michael Franti & Spearhead – Say Hey (I Love You)
33. Pitbull – Shake Senora Remix Featuring T-Pain, Sean Paul & Ludacris
34. Puddle Of Mudd – She Hates Me
35. Jack White – Sixteen Saltines
36. Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
37. Soul Asylum – Somebody To Shove
38. Savage – Swing
39. Enrique Iglesias – Tonight (I'm F**kin' You)
40. Outasight – Tonight Is The Night
41. Chumbawamba – Tubthumping
42. One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful
43. Nicki Minaj – Whip It
44. Eminem – Won't Back Down (feat. P!nk)

Read this book.

Seriously.  I would even say that if you HAVEN'T gone through a break-up or a loss that you should read this book.  I have been reading it and doing the exercises this week and I have to say that I have learned SO much about myself and my relationships (all of them... not just the one with Rick) and why I do the thinks I do and feel the things I feel.


The subtitle of the book is 'How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.'  And she means it.


Some stuff I have learned has been hard to face, and there have been lots of "AHA" moments.  Bottom line:  I fled my shitty home-life into Rick's arms.  He was older and "experienced." (I was 15, he was 'almost 20!') He was extremely attentive.  His family was fun and loving with each other.  His father worshiped the ground that his mother walked on.  I felt calm, and safe, and laughed often when spending time at his house.  My home life got better once I entered the relationship with Rick, I started actually attending classes at school (I was actually expelled when we first got together), and started thinking about my future and making changes accordingly to ensure that I actually HAD a future that didn't involve living in a car (which I was at the time).  Those were a couple of great years.  He definitely "saved me" and maybe I have always felt like I owed him my life for that?  There were SO many times I almost left, and tried to leave, even back then.  But something always made me stay... then the kids came along.... and life... and house-building....  It was easy to focus on all that stuff and avoid looking at anything else.  It wasn't until the kids got a little older and more independent, and I got the job at EAAA that I started to really change and grow up and realize that I am my own person with needs and wants that don't at all match those of Rick's.  Rick is a person who is content with things just 'being.'  I am not.  I want to DO!!  and GO!!  and MAKE!! and GO!! (I know I said GO!! twice :::wink:::)  Certainly Rick felt my starting to pull away, and took matters into his own hands (so to speak) and took control of the situation.... and here we are.


Wow I wasn't really planning on writing that much.  I just wanted to make you all read the book.  So, yeah.  Read the book.

Getaway

Nicole and I took a much needed mini-vacation to Massachusetts to see Dave Matthew's Band earlier this week.  We stayed with my Auntie Joyce and I had even more fun with her than I did at the concert!  It was so nice to be able to just relax and hang out with her for more than a quick little visit.  Got some video of my favorite DMB song ever 'Say Goodbye', that I was lucky enough to hear them play.  Ironically it's a song about cheating, which one would assume was not my favorite subject, but I have always loved this song and nobody can take that away from me :)  Also... had cheating not been a part of my life, I wouldn't now be free to live my life the way I choose and find the person that I am REALLY meant to be with.

I was incredibly tempted not to go with everything going on around here, but Nicole has always dreamed of seeing Dave, and she has 'taken one for the team' when it comes to going to concerts with me, so there was no way I was going to leave her hanging.  So glad I went.

Now we are in full-on packing mode!!!  I found an apartment in Winterport, which coincidentally is the same apartment I lived in as a teen with my mom and brothers.  WEIRD RIGHT!!??  We are moving July 1st and I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Oh AND... I had a fun little visit with my favorite baby on Friday... and one of my favorite brothers ;-)  I already put 2 videos on facebook, but here's another!!

Dislike.

These are the nights I hate and feel the most alone.  I have never been a giant fan of nighttime thunderstorms.  Seems like there have been a million over the past couple months, when in reality there have been maybe 2 or 3.  I HATE those giant crackly ones and the whole storm am on edge just waiting for it to happen.  And it ALWAYS seems to happen in that one freakin' moment I wasn't ready for it!

So... since sleep is not going to happen until this dumb storm ends... why not blog?

It's weird when you suddenly notice a little thing you miss about a relationship... even though you couldn't be more relieved, done, and ready-to-move on.  Moments like that sneak up on you like that damn crackly thunder.

Alrighty... things seem to be calming down out there and Christian Grey beckons.  What I wouldn't give to be snuggled up with HIM tonight (just no spankings please)!!!! ;-)

Running Club... like Fight Club without the punching!

Dyan had a great idea a couple weeks ago. (Well... I'm sure she has had other great ideas before, and since, but I REALLY liked this one!)  Since there are several of us that are into running n' stuff, she thought it would be fun to all do it together on a regular basis, and it SO IS!!  We now run Tuesday and Thursday after work and Sunday mornings... and other times PRN ;-)  Like today... because it was a holiday and we didn't run yesterday for assorted reasons.  It is so perfect because we are all together, but at the same time, we separate out into little groups sorted by speed so everyone gets to go at their own pace.  I am in the slow group... for now ;-)

I LOVE this group of girls!  SO different from the people I used to hang out with that live so unhealthily and are 'proud of it' ....yet then spend hours bitching about all their health issues.  This group is FUN, and HEALTHY, and everyone is SO positive and encouraging to each other.  It's just a whole new vibe and it's fantastic.

Back to life

Yesterday I noticed that for the past several months our whole house has been in mourning.  I knew we were all having a tough time, but until yesterday, I didn't realize how quiet and sad the whole atmosphere around here has been.  The kids were not having friends over, everyone was staying segregated into one area, and it was just quiet.  Too quiet.  This house is not used to quiet.

The only reason I noticed it is because yesterday things were feeling not 'back to normal' ...we don't know what our normal will be yet, but the house felt ALIVE again.  Jessi had a whole bunch of friends over to help me color her hair, Sean had a friend over for a sleepover.  Jessi and I did a couple hours of volunteer work in the morning.  Rick and I worked around the yard and house.  It was a gorgeous, sunny day.  Was it perfect?  Not by a long shot.  Am I super excited to move out and move on?  HELL YES!

It was SO great to hear girls screaming and laughing, and boys yelling and running around.  I didn't even know I was missing it until it came back.  I didn't even bother yelling at them when it was all still going on at 1am ;-)

P.S.  Ignore the cats in the photo.  The 'add cats to your pics' app for iphone is all the rage in the teenage set right now ;-)

Well it only took like 3 years....

But these legs FINALLY just ran 3 miles with no stopping to walk at ALL!!! I am so excited! :)

Pretty sure most of not being able to do it was just in my head for quite awhile now.... So I really only defeated my brain, but I'll take it damnit!!

AND as a bonus... I didn't even have to be angry to do it ;)

Workin' 9 to 5......

I started working 40 hours this week. I had gone up to 35 from 30 awhile ago, and now I am up to 40. So basically I now go in at 8am instead of 9. I can't believe how much more tired I am! I even took a nap yesterday! I'm sure I'll get used to it quickly, but all this change is just exhausting! ....in a good way. I love my job and I don't mind being there at all. I work with amazing people and I have fun and I get to be a know-it-all all day long every day and get paid to do it.. Love that! LOL

S'all goooooooood.....

So.... I realize after my last post some of you may be concerned that I may need to be on suicide and/or homicide watch ;-)  I am here to assure you that I am ok... I will be ok... and it's alllllll gonna be ok.  That was a bad, bad day.  The good thing is that those are getting less frequent, with LOTS more good days in between.

Today was a GREAT day!!  I went to the coast with Nicole to the 'Camden Cake Walk.' I even dusted off my REAL camera for the event... though I must admit I ended up taking more pics with my iphone.  That sucker really does take great photos and messing with camera settings on my old camera is a pain -in-the-ass.

After cake I came home feeling fantastic (and a little bit sick from too much cake).  I cleaned the house like crazy, and it REALLY needed it as I have been a little checked-out lately... and a little 'it's-not-my-house-anymore-why-the-hell-bother.  But that kind of attitude will get me nowhere.  I need to focus back on being the person I want to be NOW, not the person I want to be once this is all over.


Anyway... back to CAKE and PHOTOS... about 900 photos.... of Nicole....LOL!

She's baaaaaaaaack......

I am having a "I am never going to find a place to live and I am going to die alone" day.  I FUCKING HATE Rick.  I hate him for taking all these years of my life when I could have been with someone, or been finding someone who actually gave a shit about anyone other than himself.  I hate him for already having a new person in his life while I am alone and have nobody.  Yes.... I have friends and family and they are great and wonderful and I am thankful for them all every day, but it's NOT THE SAME THING AND YOU KNOW IT!!!  It's completely different to have someone who is your partner and actually wants to hear the daily minutia and wants to share theirs with you.... and you WANT to hear it!!   How am I ever going to have that at this point in life?  I am full of "baggage" and nobody wants to take that shit on, and I don't blame them.

I HATE him for making feel all this HATE and ANGER all the time!!!!  I hate feeling this way and I am trapped in a house with him having to see his stupid face and watch him text with his stupid whore who btw... I was forced to add to our 'Verizon Friends and Family' plan to prevent us from going over our minutes and huge overage charges... guess how THAT felt?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just so done.  I am so sick of this and there is no way all my friends and family aren't sick of it all too.  I am done talking about it anywhere but here.  Why should anyone else be tortured?

I do see a pattern here.  I go several days all 'strong and empowered' and then completely lose my shit for a day... and then go back to feeling good again.  I think it's because I feel like I HAVE to be strong for the kids and for everyone around me and people are ALWAYS AROUND!!!  I have to show everyone... including the shithead... that I am going to be JUST FINE.  And sometimes it's just exhausting.

Therapy, really?

At the insistence of several friends, I saw a therapist when shit started going down around here.  I am SO anti-therapy/counseling... you have NO idea.  So I only went reluctantly... but also with an open mind.  (Open mind part mostly out of spite for people who said "You are not going to get anything out of this, you are going to go in there all attitudey and arm-crossey and not listen to a word she says."  ---if it was reverse psychology, kudos to you!)

I have to admit, it has actually been helpful!  I have learned a lot about myself, and about my relationship with Rick.  I see things now that I didn't see before.  Most importantly, I am learning to manage my behavior.  Once I recognized WHY I was acting the way I was acting, it was SO much easier to STOP acting that way.

I am focusing now on behaving as the person I want to be once I am on the other side of this. The biggest thing that I have to learn and keep reminding myself is that I CANNOT CONTROL THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.  Which is hard because I really think that I can.  Which only leads to me blaming myself for everything all the time because I think that I had control over it all the whole time... which I really didn't.  My other "biggie" is that I am trying SO hard to not been seen as 'weak' or a 'victim' here, that I was on the whole other side of the spectrum and being aggressive and even abusive.    I felt like being friendly or even cordial to him was showing that I was 'ok' with what he did, and that's just dumb.  I am divorcing him.  I am obviously not ok with what he did. Which takes me back to the person I want to be when I get on the other side of this and she is NOT a person who is aggressive or abusive to anyone.  

I am honestly so glad that I am going through all of this.  Yeah it sucks.  But this is a chance for me to really learn about myself, and better myself, and I am going to take this opportunity and run with it.

Exhibit A:  The girl who lived in this body a few weeks ago NEVER would have admitted to going to counseling, let alone GO to counseling, because she thought counseling was a waste of time for losers who want to go whine endlessly about their lives.  The girl who lives in this body today still feels like some people are using counseling improperly, but can see that it has it's place.

Kaelyn's 1st Birthday and Sean's 1st hunt

My niece is one year old today!!  Holy crap time flies!!  It doesn't even feel like it was that long ago that we were all in that tiny room watching her float around on the sonogram screen!  :)

Very busy weekend, which I love because it keeps my mind off all the other stuff.  OK, it really doesn't, but it does a little bit,

Sean turned 10 this month so he can now hunt.  Yaaaaaaay!  (read that 'yaaaaaay' laced with heavy sarcasm)  He was so excited to go and Rick has been waiting for this day his whole life, so the house with buzzing with that all week.  Brhaun and Tom also went long for Sean's first hunt, which I have to say I found freaking adorable.  Saturday was "Youth Day" so only kids can hunt... which meant that Sean got to go hunting for the first time with a bunch of guys there solely to follow him around the woods and help him.  So cute :)  No pics as they got up and out of the house a 3am... and I didn't.

This weekend was also Kaelyn's birthday party and I had a little photography "assignment."   Some friends were running a mini Triatholon and asked me to join the team as the team photographer and I  happily accepted.  Thinking next year I'll do the Tri myself though.... and will need my OWN photographer!

Sanity... rated.

Some may think going for a jog in the driving rain is insane.  I say going for a jog in the driving rain is what KEEPS ME SANE!  I really don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't have embraced exercise over the past couple years.  Nothing clears my head like a good hard run.  Particularly since there is nothing else good and hard going on right know ifyaknowhatImean ;-)  (I'll be here all week folks... don't forget to tip your waitress!)

On a scale of 1-10 right now... 1 being 'have an ambulance to Acadia Mental Hospital on standby' and 10 being 'I am the queen of the freakin' world and nothin' can bring me down.'  I would say I am at around a 7.  A solid 7 fueled with empowerment and a little edge of anger.  Maybe that makes me insane?  With all the crap going on around here I sometimes can't believe that I am not wanting to just stay in bed and cry all day while scarfing Ben and Jerry's.  But I really don't.  I have certainly had moments of feeling like that, but they are short and infrequent.  Overall... I am looking forward to my new life and all it may bring.

I have SO got this shit!

Choosing sides

The "why do you give a shit you- you don't need people like that in your life- you are finding out who your real friends are" theory is a solid one.  But like everything in life... it's easier said than done.  The simple fact is that as a couple Rick and I only did things with his friends because our entire life was me doing what he wanted to do if I wanted to spend time with him. So the people that have gone out of their way to exclude me, are the people I have spent the most time with over the past several years and it just fucking hurts.  I get that they are Rick's friends and family first.  I really do.  I get that they have an allegiance to him.  I have no problem with that.  I just wish they could have a little sensitivity to what I am going through, since supposedly they were my friends too.  But instead I am excluded from events (that are made public so that I can see it all unfolding right in front of me).  And forced to see people facebook-friending the home-wrecking whore that has gone out of her way to threaten me with physical harm and has attempted to hurt me with private knowledge that never should have been shared with her in the first place.  (Oops... a little anger slipped out there.  Working on that, but it's bound to escape from time-to-time.)

It just didn't all have to be this way.  I didn't want it to be this way.  Why do people have to choose sides and then make these giant statements of allegiance?

Facebook has changed the way the world works... and not for the best.  I thought about just getting off it for awhile.  But I enjoy it for the most part and I am not going to let all this crap take away even one more ounce of my joy.  So instead I removed several people from my friends list.  It's not healthy for me to see all that stuff and get all upset every time I see it.

The worst part...

Ok there are lots of shitty things when it comes to divorce.

But I have to say the worst part for me is the freaking derailed 189 mph roller coaster of emotions train that I am riding. One day I am feeling like "YES!!! I am finally free of him!! I can plan vacations (he hates travel)!! I can finally find someone who actually wants to be involved in my life and be an actual partner and not a 3rd child!!! (and even without that 'someone,' it feels amazing to make decisions on my own without knowing at the back of my head that my partner is supposed to be making them with me but won't). Soon I will never have to hear those stupid fucking boots stomping all over the house with no consideration for anyone else that may be sleeping!! I never again will have to find bottles of spit from chewing tobacco all over the place!!! I can know now that if I don't do it... it won't get done without resenting it because I am supposed to have a partner taking it all on with me. I will never have to open my basement door every morning to check for a flood and know that if it just fixed properly I wouldn't have to. I will never open my front door and wonder what dead creatures i may find bleeding all over the porch. I will never again be afraid to turn on a computer or look at my Verizon bill for fear of what I might see.

Wow. I really went off on a tangent there. I was about to talk about the worst part... What is the worst part?? Listing all those things just made me forget that I woke up this morning feeling hopeless and lonely and like I am going to be alone forever and like if I wasn't good enough to keep all THAT (see above)...I must be pretty fucking worthless.

And there it is... LOL welcome to my roller coaster!

The end. AND the BEGINNING!!

My marriage is over.  There.  I typed it.  I was betrayed by the one person that I was supposed to be able to trust.  The one person who actually signed legal documents guaranteeing that trust.

I wallowed a bit.  I may still wallow a bit from time to time.  But overall I realize that it takes 2 to tango.  He did what he did and continues to do... and he is wrong.  But I too had my part in the demise.  I have known for years that he wasn't "the one."  We both knew.  Women are stronger.  I could live with that knowledge for the sake of keeping things together for the family until they were older and more prepared to deal with it.  He couldn't.

So.... I am apartment/house hunting.  My brother is going to join us in the move which will be a huge help financially... and non-financially too!  It means we need a 4 bedroom place, which will be a challenge to find.  But I am not in a huge rush.  As the days pass, my anger fades a little and Rick and I are actually able to be in a room and talk without my wanting to punch him in the face.

I have learned through this that I have the most AMAZING friends and family in the history of the universe!!! Seriously.  I never could have gotten through this without all the support they have given me.  And not just empty supportive gestures.  REALLY there for me... really telling me when I am being ridiculous and when my feelings are legit.  Letting me have my pain... and also pushing me to buck the fuck up and move on.  I am so thankful for this.

I have also learned that exercise (running in particular) = SANITY.  I can be about to fall completely apart in tears and anger into a puddle on the floor... go for a run... and come home with a clear head ready to take on whatever new drama the day has brought on.