Dislike.

These are the nights I hate and feel the most alone.  I have never been a giant fan of nighttime thunderstorms.  Seems like there have been a million over the past couple months, when in reality there have been maybe 2 or 3.  I HATE those giant crackly ones and the whole storm am on edge just waiting for it to happen.  And it ALWAYS seems to happen in that one freakin' moment I wasn't ready for it!

So... since sleep is not going to happen until this dumb storm ends... why not blog?

It's weird when you suddenly notice a little thing you miss about a relationship... even though you couldn't be more relieved, done, and ready-to-move on.  Moments like that sneak up on you like that damn crackly thunder.

Alrighty... things seem to be calming down out there and Christian Grey beckons.  What I wouldn't give to be snuggled up with HIM tonight (just no spankings please)!!!! ;-)

Running Club... like Fight Club without the punching!

Dyan had a great idea a couple weeks ago. (Well... I'm sure she has had other great ideas before, and since, but I REALLY liked this one!)  Since there are several of us that are into running n' stuff, she thought it would be fun to all do it together on a regular basis, and it SO IS!!  We now run Tuesday and Thursday after work and Sunday mornings... and other times PRN ;-)  Like today... because it was a holiday and we didn't run yesterday for assorted reasons.  It is so perfect because we are all together, but at the same time, we separate out into little groups sorted by speed so everyone gets to go at their own pace.  I am in the slow group... for now ;-)

I LOVE this group of girls!  SO different from the people I used to hang out with that live so unhealthily and are 'proud of it' ....yet then spend hours bitching about all their health issues.  This group is FUN, and HEALTHY, and everyone is SO positive and encouraging to each other.  It's just a whole new vibe and it's fantastic.

Back to life

Yesterday I noticed that for the past several months our whole house has been in mourning.  I knew we were all having a tough time, but until yesterday, I didn't realize how quiet and sad the whole atmosphere around here has been.  The kids were not having friends over, everyone was staying segregated into one area, and it was just quiet.  Too quiet.  This house is not used to quiet.

The only reason I noticed it is because yesterday things were feeling not 'back to normal' ...we don't know what our normal will be yet, but the house felt ALIVE again.  Jessi had a whole bunch of friends over to help me color her hair, Sean had a friend over for a sleepover.  Jessi and I did a couple hours of volunteer work in the morning.  Rick and I worked around the yard and house.  It was a gorgeous, sunny day.  Was it perfect?  Not by a long shot.  Am I super excited to move out and move on?  HELL YES!

It was SO great to hear girls screaming and laughing, and boys yelling and running around.  I didn't even know I was missing it until it came back.  I didn't even bother yelling at them when it was all still going on at 1am ;-)

P.S.  Ignore the cats in the photo.  The 'add cats to your pics' app for iphone is all the rage in the teenage set right now ;-)

Well it only took like 3 years....

But these legs FINALLY just ran 3 miles with no stopping to walk at ALL!!! I am so excited! :)

Pretty sure most of not being able to do it was just in my head for quite awhile now.... So I really only defeated my brain, but I'll take it damnit!!

AND as a bonus... I didn't even have to be angry to do it ;)

Workin' 9 to 5......

I started working 40 hours this week. I had gone up to 35 from 30 awhile ago, and now I am up to 40. So basically I now go in at 8am instead of 9. I can't believe how much more tired I am! I even took a nap yesterday! I'm sure I'll get used to it quickly, but all this change is just exhausting! ....in a good way. I love my job and I don't mind being there at all. I work with amazing people and I have fun and I get to be a know-it-all all day long every day and get paid to do it.. Love that! LOL

S'all goooooooood.....

So.... I realize after my last post some of you may be concerned that I may need to be on suicide and/or homicide watch ;-)  I am here to assure you that I am ok... I will be ok... and it's alllllll gonna be ok.  That was a bad, bad day.  The good thing is that those are getting less frequent, with LOTS more good days in between.

Today was a GREAT day!!  I went to the coast with Nicole to the 'Camden Cake Walk.' I even dusted off my REAL camera for the event... though I must admit I ended up taking more pics with my iphone.  That sucker really does take great photos and messing with camera settings on my old camera is a pain -in-the-ass.

After cake I came home feeling fantastic (and a little bit sick from too much cake).  I cleaned the house like crazy, and it REALLY needed it as I have been a little checked-out lately... and a little 'it's-not-my-house-anymore-why-the-hell-bother.  But that kind of attitude will get me nowhere.  I need to focus back on being the person I want to be NOW, not the person I want to be once this is all over.


Anyway... back to CAKE and PHOTOS... about 900 photos.... of Nicole....LOL!

She's baaaaaaaaack......

I am having a "I am never going to find a place to live and I am going to die alone" day.  I FUCKING HATE Rick.  I hate him for taking all these years of my life when I could have been with someone, or been finding someone who actually gave a shit about anyone other than himself.  I hate him for already having a new person in his life while I am alone and have nobody.  Yes.... I have friends and family and they are great and wonderful and I am thankful for them all every day, but it's NOT THE SAME THING AND YOU KNOW IT!!!  It's completely different to have someone who is your partner and actually wants to hear the daily minutia and wants to share theirs with you.... and you WANT to hear it!!   How am I ever going to have that at this point in life?  I am full of "baggage" and nobody wants to take that shit on, and I don't blame them.

I HATE him for making feel all this HATE and ANGER all the time!!!!  I hate feeling this way and I am trapped in a house with him having to see his stupid face and watch him text with his stupid whore who btw... I was forced to add to our 'Verizon Friends and Family' plan to prevent us from going over our minutes and huge overage charges... guess how THAT felt?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just so done.  I am so sick of this and there is no way all my friends and family aren't sick of it all too.  I am done talking about it anywhere but here.  Why should anyone else be tortured?

I do see a pattern here.  I go several days all 'strong and empowered' and then completely lose my shit for a day... and then go back to feeling good again.  I think it's because I feel like I HAVE to be strong for the kids and for everyone around me and people are ALWAYS AROUND!!!  I have to show everyone... including the shithead... that I am going to be JUST FINE.  And sometimes it's just exhausting.

Therapy, really?

At the insistence of several friends, I saw a therapist when shit started going down around here.  I am SO anti-therapy/counseling... you have NO idea.  So I only went reluctantly... but also with an open mind.  (Open mind part mostly out of spite for people who said "You are not going to get anything out of this, you are going to go in there all attitudey and arm-crossey and not listen to a word she says."  ---if it was reverse psychology, kudos to you!)

I have to admit, it has actually been helpful!  I have learned a lot about myself, and about my relationship with Rick.  I see things now that I didn't see before.  Most importantly, I am learning to manage my behavior.  Once I recognized WHY I was acting the way I was acting, it was SO much easier to STOP acting that way.

I am focusing now on behaving as the person I want to be once I am on the other side of this. The biggest thing that I have to learn and keep reminding myself is that I CANNOT CONTROL THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.  Which is hard because I really think that I can.  Which only leads to me blaming myself for everything all the time because I think that I had control over it all the whole time... which I really didn't.  My other "biggie" is that I am trying SO hard to not been seen as 'weak' or a 'victim' here, that I was on the whole other side of the spectrum and being aggressive and even abusive.    I felt like being friendly or even cordial to him was showing that I was 'ok' with what he did, and that's just dumb.  I am divorcing him.  I am obviously not ok with what he did. Which takes me back to the person I want to be when I get on the other side of this and she is NOT a person who is aggressive or abusive to anyone.  

I am honestly so glad that I am going through all of this.  Yeah it sucks.  But this is a chance for me to really learn about myself, and better myself, and I am going to take this opportunity and run with it.

Exhibit A:  The girl who lived in this body a few weeks ago NEVER would have admitted to going to counseling, let alone GO to counseling, because she thought counseling was a waste of time for losers who want to go whine endlessly about their lives.  The girl who lives in this body today still feels like some people are using counseling improperly, but can see that it has it's place.

Kaelyn's 1st Birthday and Sean's 1st hunt

My niece is one year old today!!  Holy crap time flies!!  It doesn't even feel like it was that long ago that we were all in that tiny room watching her float around on the sonogram screen!  :)

Very busy weekend, which I love because it keeps my mind off all the other stuff.  OK, it really doesn't, but it does a little bit,

Sean turned 10 this month so he can now hunt.  Yaaaaaaay!  (read that 'yaaaaaay' laced with heavy sarcasm)  He was so excited to go and Rick has been waiting for this day his whole life, so the house with buzzing with that all week.  Brhaun and Tom also went long for Sean's first hunt, which I have to say I found freaking adorable.  Saturday was "Youth Day" so only kids can hunt... which meant that Sean got to go hunting for the first time with a bunch of guys there solely to follow him around the woods and help him.  So cute :)  No pics as they got up and out of the house a 3am... and I didn't.

This weekend was also Kaelyn's birthday party and I had a little photography "assignment."   Some friends were running a mini Triatholon and asked me to join the team as the team photographer and I  happily accepted.  Thinking next year I'll do the Tri myself though.... and will need my OWN photographer!

Sanity... rated.

Some may think going for a jog in the driving rain is insane.  I say going for a jog in the driving rain is what KEEPS ME SANE!  I really don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't have embraced exercise over the past couple years.  Nothing clears my head like a good hard run.  Particularly since there is nothing else good and hard going on right know ifyaknowhatImean ;-)  (I'll be here all week folks... don't forget to tip your waitress!)

On a scale of 1-10 right now... 1 being 'have an ambulance to Acadia Mental Hospital on standby' and 10 being 'I am the queen of the freakin' world and nothin' can bring me down.'  I would say I am at around a 7.  A solid 7 fueled with empowerment and a little edge of anger.  Maybe that makes me insane?  With all the crap going on around here I sometimes can't believe that I am not wanting to just stay in bed and cry all day while scarfing Ben and Jerry's.  But I really don't.  I have certainly had moments of feeling like that, but they are short and infrequent.  Overall... I am looking forward to my new life and all it may bring.

I have SO got this shit!

Choosing sides

The "why do you give a shit you- you don't need people like that in your life- you are finding out who your real friends are" theory is a solid one.  But like everything in life... it's easier said than done.  The simple fact is that as a couple Rick and I only did things with his friends because our entire life was me doing what he wanted to do if I wanted to spend time with him. So the people that have gone out of their way to exclude me, are the people I have spent the most time with over the past several years and it just fucking hurts.  I get that they are Rick's friends and family first.  I really do.  I get that they have an allegiance to him.  I have no problem with that.  I just wish they could have a little sensitivity to what I am going through, since supposedly they were my friends too.  But instead I am excluded from events (that are made public so that I can see it all unfolding right in front of me).  And forced to see people facebook-friending the home-wrecking whore that has gone out of her way to threaten me with physical harm and has attempted to hurt me with private knowledge that never should have been shared with her in the first place.  (Oops... a little anger slipped out there.  Working on that, but it's bound to escape from time-to-time.)

It just didn't all have to be this way.  I didn't want it to be this way.  Why do people have to choose sides and then make these giant statements of allegiance?

Facebook has changed the way the world works... and not for the best.  I thought about just getting off it for awhile.  But I enjoy it for the most part and I am not going to let all this crap take away even one more ounce of my joy.  So instead I removed several people from my friends list.  It's not healthy for me to see all that stuff and get all upset every time I see it.

The worst part...

Ok there are lots of shitty things when it comes to divorce.

But I have to say the worst part for me is the freaking derailed 189 mph roller coaster of emotions train that I am riding. One day I am feeling like "YES!!! I am finally free of him!! I can plan vacations (he hates travel)!! I can finally find someone who actually wants to be involved in my life and be an actual partner and not a 3rd child!!! (and even without that 'someone,' it feels amazing to make decisions on my own without knowing at the back of my head that my partner is supposed to be making them with me but won't). Soon I will never have to hear those stupid fucking boots stomping all over the house with no consideration for anyone else that may be sleeping!! I never again will have to find bottles of spit from chewing tobacco all over the place!!! I can know now that if I don't do it... it won't get done without resenting it because I am supposed to have a partner taking it all on with me. I will never have to open my basement door every morning to check for a flood and know that if it just fixed properly I wouldn't have to. I will never open my front door and wonder what dead creatures i may find bleeding all over the porch. I will never again be afraid to turn on a computer or look at my Verizon bill for fear of what I might see.

Wow. I really went off on a tangent there. I was about to talk about the worst part... What is the worst part?? Listing all those things just made me forget that I woke up this morning feeling hopeless and lonely and like I am going to be alone forever and like if I wasn't good enough to keep all THAT (see above)...I must be pretty fucking worthless.

And there it is... LOL welcome to my roller coaster!

The end. AND the BEGINNING!!

My marriage is over.  There.  I typed it.  I was betrayed by the one person that I was supposed to be able to trust.  The one person who actually signed legal documents guaranteeing that trust.

I wallowed a bit.  I may still wallow a bit from time to time.  But overall I realize that it takes 2 to tango.  He did what he did and continues to do... and he is wrong.  But I too had my part in the demise.  I have known for years that he wasn't "the one."  We both knew.  Women are stronger.  I could live with that knowledge for the sake of keeping things together for the family until they were older and more prepared to deal with it.  He couldn't.

So.... I am apartment/house hunting.  My brother is going to join us in the move which will be a huge help financially... and non-financially too!  It means we need a 4 bedroom place, which will be a challenge to find.  But I am not in a huge rush.  As the days pass, my anger fades a little and Rick and I are actually able to be in a room and talk without my wanting to punch him in the face.

I have learned through this that I have the most AMAZING friends and family in the history of the universe!!! Seriously.  I never could have gotten through this without all the support they have given me.  And not just empty supportive gestures.  REALLY there for me... really telling me when I am being ridiculous and when my feelings are legit.  Letting me have my pain... and also pushing me to buck the fuck up and move on.  I am so thankful for this.

I have also learned that exercise (running in particular) = SANITY.  I can be about to fall completely apart in tears and anger into a puddle on the floor... go for a run... and come home with a clear head ready to take on whatever new drama the day has brought on.

Yoga is stupid.

Spring. It's not realllly here yet, but you can just feel that spring is right around the corner.

Sean has started soccer and advanced swimming lessons (he can swim but I want him to learn the strokes and how to dive and stuff). Today is the start of "move and improve" which is a 12 week exercise challenge that my office. Participates in every year and I am ALL IN this year!! I haven't been very diligent in working out lately and am excited to get back to it. I kicked I off with yoga this morning.

Can I just say.... Yoga is STUPID. I like the stretching and strength building, but I hate hate hate the whole vibe of yoga. Maybe because calm and enlightenment are two words that don't exist in my world. This is me at yoga.... "how has it only been 10 minutes?" "what the hell is with this song?" "wow that guy over there is really bendy" "are there really still 30 minutes left of this???" "Yes lady, we get it-- go as far as it feels good for you-- check!" "what does clear your mind even MEAN.... She said she did it in 'Eat Pray Love' but what the hell else did she have to think about in zen land-- this is real life". You get the idea ... Lol!

So.... Yeah. I will keep going because it's a lazy Sunday morning workout and it feels like cheating and I love that. But if I want to clear my mind. I'll go for a run!!

And I threw some recent pics taken yesterday into the post because blogs without pics are stupid like yoga.

That Awkward Moment when Colleen runs out of EAAA and just keeps running.

LOL.  Have to thank Jessi for the title.  Today it was SO nice out!!  I had brought my workout stuff with me to go to the gym after work, but since it was so warm I was COMPELLED to run outdoors.  If I drove home first, it would have been dark out, so I just freakin' went for it! It was FANTASTIC to get back out there .....I did wish I had on long sleeves though.  Just the weather and we are back to freezing tomorrow.  You know the old saying... "If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a minute."

When I told Jessi what I did she just started laughing and said... well... you already read the title ;-)

Dentist appt tomorrow for the stupid cracked tooth and I am already having a little freak-out.  Trying not to think about it or I won't be able to sleep tonight.  I fucking hate teeth.

Broken

I somehow managed to break my tooth AND my abs this weekend.  The tooth was thanks to a skittle (ok.... in defense of the skittle, it's also the fault of the girl who was supposed to have a crown put on said tooth after a root canal a couple-few years ago and never did).  It doesn't hurt, but the dentist can't get me in til Wednesday and that's just irritating.

Annnnnnnd.... I totally broke my abs on the left side.  My left... not yours.  LOL  They were already sore from the workout I did with a friend on Thursday.  But then I slipped in the driveway Saturday and caught myself and wrenched my back and my abs.  They say it's almost better to just let yourself fall rather than jar your whole body trying not to.  They do.  I heard them. Then at Yoga class on Sunday I was doing downdogupdog or some crap and felt it RRRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPP!  It hurt.  A lot.  And it still does.  I can't even roll over in bed at night without waking right up to say "OW!!"

I was going to go for a run today anyway.  But I guess I will skip it today and give myself a little break.  After telling this story to a co-worker today, he said "Can you do ANYTHING in moderation!??"  Ummm.  No.  No, I can't.  Maybe that's something I should work on someday.  Nah.  I am impulsive.  I am maybe a little reckless.  I am ALL IN... until I am ALL OUT.  It's who I am.

Santonio Holmes hates me.

This weekend I learned that my ability to piss people off is not limited to common folk.  Oh no.  It goes much further than that.  Apparently I have the supernatural ability to get under the skin of even NFL superstars.

For a little backgroud for you non-football watching folks... Santonio Holmes is a wide receiver for the Jets.  This season he has decided to go full-on diva and quit on his team in the middle of games and act like a jackass to his teammates. Unfortunately the Jets are stuck with him or they lose millions of dollars.

So what did I do?  Well I was feeling a little cheeky yesterday and said something a little sassy to him on Twitter.

colleenj74 Colleen Jordan 

@santonio10 How about chance to talk you into playing nice with the team... I can be VERY convincing!! LOL

To which he, within minutes, responded by retweeting this thing that someone else said to him.  At the time I was pretty sure it was directed at me, but who knows?  I am surely not the only person giving him shit, right?

jetsfan300 Joe miller 

@santonio10 I wish ppl would leave tone alone already...this man gives everything he has on the field! He loves his team! Let's get it tone!

But, I couldn't just leave well enough alone.  Plus I thought it was a pussy move to let someone else speak for you, so I said....

colleenj74 Colleen Jordan 

@ 

@santonio10 Why retweet this and not just say it yourself??

..........aaaaaaaaaand then he blocked me from following him.  Oops.  LOL

So does this mean I am blocked from wearing my Holmes t-shirt to the gym too?

I spun.

Took my first... and maybe last... spin class tonight.  I was all anxiety-ed up about it all day, you already know why from my previous post ;-)  I thought of 106 excuses not to go but

1) I had already reserved my spot in the class and I know it's a high demand class so if I didn't go I would feel guilty for taking someones spot that actually wasn't a lazy slacker

2) Dyan is scary and she made me do it.

The instructor was fantastic and very nice.  The workout would have been great.  Would have.  If I could have focused on it.  Which I couldn't.  Because of the tiny little bike seat from hell.  Holy fuck that seat was KILLING ME!!!!!  I liken the experience to a gang rape... without the residual long-term issues and PTSD of course.  

So... I think maybe I will pass on spinning.  There are so many other ways of working out that don't violate me.... over... and over... and over again...like a line of skinny, boney men who have mistaken me for Jodie Foster on a pinball machine.   

One other note....  I love running because it clears my mind of the crazy-ass shit that spins around in there like nobody's business.  (ok ok... at least SOME of it) The spin class was a good workout, but it only quieted the crazy about 1/2 as much as a good run does.  I can't wait til spring!!!

Hoodies, Fat, and well.... Fat.

Check out my sweet new customized Jets hoodie ;-)  LOOOOOVES IT!!!!  (And I shall wear it proudly even IF the Jets are currently in full-on crash-and-burn mode.  I must confess.  I hate that they didn't make the playoffs... but I am LOVING this drama!!  I haven't even watched General Hospital all week!  LOL)

Dude, I gained SEVEN FREAKIN POUNDS over the holidays!!  What a freakin' loser I am!!  LOL  I was a total lazy fat-ass and ate a whole lotta shit!    Trying to find a way to get back to real life.  Still missing running outside... a lot.  I joined the Y today in an attempt to get back "ON IT" (as Karyn and I say!)  My FAVORITE Zumba instructor teaches there and I am being encouraged by friends to try 'spin class.'  For some reason I am TERRIFIED of this.  How dumb is that??  It's just that everything I have ever seen about it is INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE!!!!!!!  I am picturing supermodels and pro-athletes cycling away... and then me... fat girl in the back-- bright red, panting, and noticing as people keep glancing her way hoping to see the moment she passes out and falls off the bike so that they will have a great story to tell at parties.

What a difference a day can make

I had the best day today.  First....  I slept in.  Then... I woke up to a beautiful world covered in a blanket of snow.  Then I headed over to Tim and Kristie's house to pick up my mom to go Christmas shopping and was rewarded by extreme baby snuggles and smiles from Kaelyn, AKA the cutest effin' baby ever (since mine, of course...lol).

Mom and I shopped til we dropped and had lunch at the Olive Garden.  My spoon was dirty, so my whole meal was free... which I argued was a bit much, but the waitresses insisted.  Woo hoo!!

It was crazy out there today, but I never went to the "bad place" ....ok.... maybe I ALMOST got to the "bad place" at Toys R Us, but felt it coming and hightailed it outta there!

I am FINALLY done shopping an can enjoy the weekend.  (I am pretending that I have already wrapped everything.  Maybe if I pretend long enough they will wrap themselves)

Giants/Jets tomorrow.  Gonna be a nail bitah!!  GO JETS!!!