The worst part...

Ok there are lots of shitty things when it comes to divorce.

But I have to say the worst part for me is the freaking derailed 189 mph roller coaster of emotions train that I am riding. One day I am feeling like "YES!!! I am finally free of him!! I can plan vacations (he hates travel)!! I can finally find someone who actually wants to be involved in my life and be an actual partner and not a 3rd child!!! (and even without that 'someone,' it feels amazing to make decisions on my own without knowing at the back of my head that my partner is supposed to be making them with me but won't). Soon I will never have to hear those stupid fucking boots stomping all over the house with no consideration for anyone else that may be sleeping!! I never again will have to find bottles of spit from chewing tobacco all over the place!!! I can know now that if I don't do it... it won't get done without resenting it because I am supposed to have a partner taking it all on with me. I will never have to open my basement door every morning to check for a flood and know that if it just fixed properly I wouldn't have to. I will never open my front door and wonder what dead creatures i may find bleeding all over the porch. I will never again be afraid to turn on a computer or look at my Verizon bill for fear of what I might see.

Wow. I really went off on a tangent there. I was about to talk about the worst part... What is the worst part?? Listing all those things just made me forget that I woke up this morning feeling hopeless and lonely and like I am going to be alone forever and like if I wasn't good enough to keep all THAT (see above)...I must be pretty fucking worthless.

And there it is... LOL welcome to my roller coaster!

The end. AND the BEGINNING!!

My marriage is over.  There.  I typed it.  I was betrayed by the one person that I was supposed to be able to trust.  The one person who actually signed legal documents guaranteeing that trust.

I wallowed a bit.  I may still wallow a bit from time to time.  But overall I realize that it takes 2 to tango.  He did what he did and continues to do... and he is wrong.  But I too had my part in the demise.  I have known for years that he wasn't "the one."  We both knew.  Women are stronger.  I could live with that knowledge for the sake of keeping things together for the family until they were older and more prepared to deal with it.  He couldn't.

So.... I am apartment/house hunting.  My brother is going to join us in the move which will be a huge help financially... and non-financially too!  It means we need a 4 bedroom place, which will be a challenge to find.  But I am not in a huge rush.  As the days pass, my anger fades a little and Rick and I are actually able to be in a room and talk without my wanting to punch him in the face.

I have learned through this that I have the most AMAZING friends and family in the history of the universe!!! Seriously.  I never could have gotten through this without all the support they have given me.  And not just empty supportive gestures.  REALLY there for me... really telling me when I am being ridiculous and when my feelings are legit.  Letting me have my pain... and also pushing me to buck the fuck up and move on.  I am so thankful for this.

I have also learned that exercise (running in particular) = SANITY.  I can be about to fall completely apart in tears and anger into a puddle on the floor... go for a run... and come home with a clear head ready to take on whatever new drama the day has brought on.

Yoga is stupid.

Spring. It's not realllly here yet, but you can just feel that spring is right around the corner.

Sean has started soccer and advanced swimming lessons (he can swim but I want him to learn the strokes and how to dive and stuff). Today is the start of "move and improve" which is a 12 week exercise challenge that my office. Participates in every year and I am ALL IN this year!! I haven't been very diligent in working out lately and am excited to get back to it. I kicked I off with yoga this morning.

Can I just say.... Yoga is STUPID. I like the stretching and strength building, but I hate hate hate the whole vibe of yoga. Maybe because calm and enlightenment are two words that don't exist in my world. This is me at yoga.... "how has it only been 10 minutes?" "what the hell is with this song?" "wow that guy over there is really bendy" "are there really still 30 minutes left of this???" "Yes lady, we get it-- go as far as it feels good for you-- check!" "what does clear your mind even MEAN.... She said she did it in 'Eat Pray Love' but what the hell else did she have to think about in zen land-- this is real life". You get the idea ... Lol!

So.... Yeah. I will keep going because it's a lazy Sunday morning workout and it feels like cheating and I love that. But if I want to clear my mind. I'll go for a run!!

And I threw some recent pics taken yesterday into the post because blogs without pics are stupid like yoga.

That Awkward Moment when Colleen runs out of EAAA and just keeps running.

LOL.  Have to thank Jessi for the title.  Today it was SO nice out!!  I had brought my workout stuff with me to go to the gym after work, but since it was so warm I was COMPELLED to run outdoors.  If I drove home first, it would have been dark out, so I just freakin' went for it! It was FANTASTIC to get back out there .....I did wish I had on long sleeves though.  Just the weather and we are back to freezing tomorrow.  You know the old saying... "If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a minute."

When I told Jessi what I did she just started laughing and said... well... you already read the title ;-)

Dentist appt tomorrow for the stupid cracked tooth and I am already having a little freak-out.  Trying not to think about it or I won't be able to sleep tonight.  I fucking hate teeth.

Broken

I somehow managed to break my tooth AND my abs this weekend.  The tooth was thanks to a skittle (ok.... in defense of the skittle, it's also the fault of the girl who was supposed to have a crown put on said tooth after a root canal a couple-few years ago and never did).  It doesn't hurt, but the dentist can't get me in til Wednesday and that's just irritating.

Annnnnnnd.... I totally broke my abs on the left side.  My left... not yours.  LOL  They were already sore from the workout I did with a friend on Thursday.  But then I slipped in the driveway Saturday and caught myself and wrenched my back and my abs.  They say it's almost better to just let yourself fall rather than jar your whole body trying not to.  They do.  I heard them. Then at Yoga class on Sunday I was doing downdogupdog or some crap and felt it RRRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPP!  It hurt.  A lot.  And it still does.  I can't even roll over in bed at night without waking right up to say "OW!!"

I was going to go for a run today anyway.  But I guess I will skip it today and give myself a little break.  After telling this story to a co-worker today, he said "Can you do ANYTHING in moderation!??"  Ummm.  No.  No, I can't.  Maybe that's something I should work on someday.  Nah.  I am impulsive.  I am maybe a little reckless.  I am ALL IN... until I am ALL OUT.  It's who I am.

Santonio Holmes hates me.

This weekend I learned that my ability to piss people off is not limited to common folk.  Oh no.  It goes much further than that.  Apparently I have the supernatural ability to get under the skin of even NFL superstars.

For a little backgroud for you non-football watching folks... Santonio Holmes is a wide receiver for the Jets.  This season he has decided to go full-on diva and quit on his team in the middle of games and act like a jackass to his teammates. Unfortunately the Jets are stuck with him or they lose millions of dollars.

So what did I do?  Well I was feeling a little cheeky yesterday and said something a little sassy to him on Twitter.

colleenj74 Colleen Jordan 

@santonio10 How about chance to talk you into playing nice with the team... I can be VERY convincing!! LOL

To which he, within minutes, responded by retweeting this thing that someone else said to him.  At the time I was pretty sure it was directed at me, but who knows?  I am surely not the only person giving him shit, right?

jetsfan300 Joe miller 

@santonio10 I wish ppl would leave tone alone already...this man gives everything he has on the field! He loves his team! Let's get it tone!

But, I couldn't just leave well enough alone.  Plus I thought it was a pussy move to let someone else speak for you, so I said....

colleenj74 Colleen Jordan 

@ 

@santonio10 Why retweet this and not just say it yourself??

..........aaaaaaaaaand then he blocked me from following him.  Oops.  LOL

So does this mean I am blocked from wearing my Holmes t-shirt to the gym too?

I spun.

Took my first... and maybe last... spin class tonight.  I was all anxiety-ed up about it all day, you already know why from my previous post ;-)  I thought of 106 excuses not to go but

1) I had already reserved my spot in the class and I know it's a high demand class so if I didn't go I would feel guilty for taking someones spot that actually wasn't a lazy slacker

2) Dyan is scary and she made me do it.

The instructor was fantastic and very nice.  The workout would have been great.  Would have.  If I could have focused on it.  Which I couldn't.  Because of the tiny little bike seat from hell.  Holy fuck that seat was KILLING ME!!!!!  I liken the experience to a gang rape... without the residual long-term issues and PTSD of course.  

So... I think maybe I will pass on spinning.  There are so many other ways of working out that don't violate me.... over... and over... and over again...like a line of skinny, boney men who have mistaken me for Jodie Foster on a pinball machine.   

One other note....  I love running because it clears my mind of the crazy-ass shit that spins around in there like nobody's business.  (ok ok... at least SOME of it) The spin class was a good workout, but it only quieted the crazy about 1/2 as much as a good run does.  I can't wait til spring!!!

Hoodies, Fat, and well.... Fat.

Check out my sweet new customized Jets hoodie ;-)  LOOOOOVES IT!!!!  (And I shall wear it proudly even IF the Jets are currently in full-on crash-and-burn mode.  I must confess.  I hate that they didn't make the playoffs... but I am LOVING this drama!!  I haven't even watched General Hospital all week!  LOL)

Dude, I gained SEVEN FREAKIN POUNDS over the holidays!!  What a freakin' loser I am!!  LOL  I was a total lazy fat-ass and ate a whole lotta shit!    Trying to find a way to get back to real life.  Still missing running outside... a lot.  I joined the Y today in an attempt to get back "ON IT" (as Karyn and I say!)  My FAVORITE Zumba instructor teaches there and I am being encouraged by friends to try 'spin class.'  For some reason I am TERRIFIED of this.  How dumb is that??  It's just that everything I have ever seen about it is INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE!!!!!!!  I am picturing supermodels and pro-athletes cycling away... and then me... fat girl in the back-- bright red, panting, and noticing as people keep glancing her way hoping to see the moment she passes out and falls off the bike so that they will have a great story to tell at parties.

What a difference a day can make

I had the best day today.  First....  I slept in.  Then... I woke up to a beautiful world covered in a blanket of snow.  Then I headed over to Tim and Kristie's house to pick up my mom to go Christmas shopping and was rewarded by extreme baby snuggles and smiles from Kaelyn, AKA the cutest effin' baby ever (since mine, of course...lol).

Mom and I shopped til we dropped and had lunch at the Olive Garden.  My spoon was dirty, so my whole meal was free... which I argued was a bit much, but the waitresses insisted.  Woo hoo!!

It was crazy out there today, but I never went to the "bad place" ....ok.... maybe I ALMOST got to the "bad place" at Toys R Us, but felt it coming and hightailed it outta there!

I am FINALLY done shopping an can enjoy the weekend.  (I am pretending that I have already wrapped everything.  Maybe if I pretend long enough they will wrap themselves)

Giants/Jets tomorrow.  Gonna be a nail bitah!!  GO JETS!!!

Spoiler Alert: I am a downer.

I haven't blogged in ages, so I should. 

Why not... you ask?  (ok, you didn't, but I am answering you anyway)

In a bit of a funk the past few weeks.  Not really feeling the whole Christmas thing this year.  The kids are older and don't seem to care as much.  They have nothing exciting on their wishlists because the days of them DYING to have that 'tickle-me-Elmo-Zsu-Zsu-Pet-Wii-cabbage-patch-kid' are gone.  I LOVED the hunt.  I LOVED the Black Friday craziness trying to grab deals and fight crowds, but I didn't go this year and I think I really need that big 'Holiday Season Kick-off.'  Sean hasn't admitted it yet, but he certainly must not believe in Santa anymore. Confession: I am not even CLOSE to done with my xmas shopping.

Also.  I miss running.  WTF, right?  Never thought I would hear myself say that.  It's too dark in the morning and after work to run right now.  And it's also just too fucking cold.  I went for a run on Sunday and couldn't feel my legs for 2 hours afterwards.  I REALIZE I can get-a-headlight/reflective vest-run-on-a-treadmill.  It's not the same.  At all.  If I were only running for exercise, then those aforementioned things would indeed be "just excuses,"  but I run because I enjoy the experience running outdoors (without the snot freezing in my nose or the cold air piercing my lungs like needles).

Oh yeah and also....  The Jets suck and I want to line them up and smack them one-by-one right now.   

Nicole made her blog all pretty so of course I had to mess with mine ;-)

Also... I am on my own tonight as Rick is gone for the night, Jessi is gone, Sean is gone to bed, and I am alone.  Just me.  And my Moscato.  And New Moon ;-)  34 Days til Breaking Dawn!  HOLLA!!!  I already put in my time off request for the Friday after so that I can go to the midnight premiere.  I would work the next day, but after enduring my psychotic behavior the morning after midnight premieres between my exhaustion and the energy drinks that I pound in order to stay awake.  I have been forbidden to work the day after midnight premieres ;-)

Blogging

I was just looking at my blog. In 2007 I blogged 329 times! Holy shit that is like almost a blog a day. So far this year I have blogged only 20 times. it's really facebook's fault. But I have to admit there are times when I do miss writing, especially since I am not taking any classes right now and I actually do miss writing papers and essays and doing projects. I also miss reading everyone else's blogs... freakin' facebook. There is a huge difference between reading someone's rambling writings and reading one witty (not not-so-witty) thing a day that they feel like sharing. (Rick being the exception to this... of course. He FB posts just like he used to blog LOL)

I am camera researching/window shopping. My camera just isn't cuttin' the mustard anymore.  It's terrible in even slightly low light, and it's just not fast enough.  We are doing more and more photo shoots lately, and I have enough of an inferiority complex about my photography as it is without adding in the fact that I know that I am going to be battling with my camera through the whole shoot.

P.S.  How freakin' cute is my niece!!!!!!?????

Football, Soccer, Weddings, and MORE!!

FOOTBALL IS BACK!!  J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!

The busy time of year has arrived. The kids are back in school. All the sports have started. Jessi is rockin' the field hockey stick again this year and Sean is giving soccer a try. Not only is SEAN giving soccer a try... but _I_ somehow allowed myself into getting roped into coaching his team... so MOM is giving soccer a try as well. It's actually been VERY fun so far. At first Sean was VERY reluctant to play soccer (as in... I forced him and bribed him to play), but after his first game this weekend, he actually THANKED ME for making him play and says he wants to play EVERY YEAR. And coaching has been fun too! Thank goodness the parents of the kids on my team understand that 'it takes a village.' ;-)

Tom and Jody are MARRIED! YAY THEM!! :) The wedding was absolutely perfect and SO FUN!! I am so happy for them!! Nicole and Jessi and I did the photography. Nicole did most of the heavy lifting though, since I was in the ceremony. Much props to her!! She rules!!

Speaking of our photography... we actually started a website for it since we seem to get more and more jobs trickling in. So that's kind of exciting too :)

Elizabeth Lee Photography

OK OK. That post was a little dramatic

I have gone for a run, cleared my head, and all is well.  Weird how that happens.  In all honesty... obviously I feel fantastic.  While on my run tonight a lady on my run route stopped and waited for me while getting her mail to tell me that she sees me out running all the time and always says to herself "YOU GO GIRL!!!"

I am wearing the smallest size I have worn since college, my husband can't keep his hands off me and I have NOTHING to complain about.

I thought about deleting that other post... but... I'm all about keepin' it real.  And crazy IS my real ;-)

Moral of my post....

-Say nice things to strangers, you may make their day!
-If you feel like you want to kill someone, and like the whole world hates you... go for a walk...run.... skip... hop.... bike ride....

Disenchanted for no reason whatsoever.

Wow,  I may have become the ultimate blog slacker.

I am still on my "no eating all day plan" ...but I am a little "eh" about it today.  I have lost 17-20 pounds, depending on the scale and the time of day.  It's been 11 weeks.  That's an average of around 1.5 pounds a week.  I could've done that without these drastic measures.  Probably.  For some reason this is easier to stick to.  And I am not a Nazi about it on the weekends and stuff, so it just seems easy.   I think maybe it's because I have no self control.  So by not allowing myself to eat all day, and only eating one meal, I never get on the slippery slope of "Oh well... already ruined the whole day... may as well eat whatever I want.

I am also a bit 'eh' with life in general right now.  Ok... today.  And again... for no reason really.  OK... there is a reason, and I know what it is.  There is a lot going on with all the people in my life, and I have no control over any of it, and I feel helpless and lost.  And even though I know that everyone has their own shit going on, and frankly like I care a lot more about a lot of people in my life than they do about me.  That may be completely untrue and unreasonable, but this is my blog and I'll whine if I want to.  I'm sure everyone must feel like this from time-to-time.... right?

Wow... Can you believe that I DON'T have PMS!?  ;-)

Anyhoo.  I don't want to end on a yucky note.  The kids are back to school this week, YAY!!  Sean's first day was today and he says it was a great day!  Jessi goes back tomorrow and is looking very forward to it. AND FOOTBALL STARTS THIS WEEKEND!!!!!  WOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Oh yeah... and I got a promotion at work, which I love, and am excited about... but certainly is playing into my dramatic mood right now.  Change is hard... and tis the time of year for change.

A basement breakthough.... sorta.

The other day my facebook status was...

"There is nothing I hate more than not being able to figure out tech shit on my own. Except geese. And basements. And that thing from 'The Grudge.'"

I have a completely irrational fear of basements.  At least I THOUGHT it was an irrational because somehow.... while I am a pretty smart cookie... I never made the connection between my basement fear and an experience I had in a basement causing it.  That is until Jessi read my status and said, "Oh.... yeah... you hate basements because of that thing that happened." and I was all "What thing that happened???"  And she says... "You know.... that story you told me about the thing that happened when you were a kid and you were playing hide-and-seek."  And I was all... "O.....M.....G  YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!!!!!!  The feeling I get in, or near a basement takes me IMMEDIATELY back to the feeling I had when 'the thing' happened!!"


The thing that happened....

I grew up in a cul de sac in East Hartford, Connecticut.  A neighborhood where all the houses were duplexes and they are all pretty much the same, just different colors. It was a great place to be a kid (then... now it's all ghetto'd up from what I hear). There were tons of kids in the neighborhood and it was the kind of life where the kids were kicked out of the house to "play outside" in the morning, and we were out all day until the street lights came on and we knew it was time to go in.  There was also something familiar and comforting going to each others houses, because they were all the same, so everyone's house kinda felt like your house.


One day we were playing hide-and-seek at Jennifer house.  Her parents were at work for the day and I am pretty sure we weren't supposed to all be in there playing, but we were.  I was the seeker.  I sat at the top of the basement stairs (it was a finished basement/playroom in the front and unfinished laundry room/storage in the back) and counted and then began to seek.  After seeking and upstairs and downstairs unsuccessfully, I decided as a last resort to check the basement even though I knew nobody could be down there because that's where I was counting from and there was no way anyone could be down there. I walked down the stairs and someone was walking towards me.  I was pissed because we had a "no going down the laundry chute or going in the basement rule" and I totally thought Jen was cheating.  I don't remember what I said, but I yelled at her and let her know I was pissed.  She kept walking towards me and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I realized that it was not Jen.  It looked at first like a lady with a white dress on... and also a little bit like a football player in a white uniform (don't ask... I have NO idea... but I can picture it like it was yesterday and even then I did a double take in confusion as I couldn't believe what I was seeing.)  IT kept coming towards me and I freakin' hightailed it up the stairs and outta there and outside... where everyone was waiting for me because I had taken so long trying to find them all.  Jen was out there too and I remember yelling at her about being down there and cheating and using the laundry chute even though I knew that obviously she wasn't... since she was outside when I ran out there.


So... there it is. "The thing that happened."

I now make the connection about WHY I hate basements.  But that doesn't mean I will be entering one anytime soon... or ever, whether there is a tornado warning... a chupacabra in my livingroom... or an axe-murderer in the office.  Not. Gonna. Happen.

Summer

Well everyone else blogged, so I guess I should too.  Plus I am bored anyway.  I would LOVE to go for a walk or a bike ride, but the horseflies right now are BRUTAL and I am already COVERED in mosquito and horsefly bites, I feel like I have the freakin' chickenpox I am so itchy!!!

Summer is in full swing.  The other night we had Rick's birthday party, which for some reason to me always means summer has truly arrived.  The party was fun, minus a little drama that I could have done without.

Dyan introduced me to a very yummy/easy new drink!  I'll share with y'all cuz that's how I roll...

1 cup tequila
1 can of limeade
1 bottle of beer

That's it!  She likes them blended with ice,  I made them 'on the rocks' ....but I think that next time I'll blend some up.  SO GOOD... and FYI... I HATE HATE HATE the taste and smell of beer!!

Jessi and I have been doing the "Couch to 5k" program.  We start week 4 this week.  I am also still going strong with my only eating once a day plan.  I realize this plan is a little self-destructive, but the weight is coming off and if I feel like being a little self-destructive right now, then that is what I am going to do!  And frankly... being fat is no less self-destructive than what I am doing.  It's a little ironic that people have no trouble commenting about how what I am doing right now is not healthy... it's dangerous... it's a bad idea.... yet, nobody says a word to me when I am downing a pint of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, or mowing through a plate of Irish Nachos like I am never going to eat again. I am not-at-all trying to be bitchy right now and I am also not talking about my friends/family that are just concerned about me... it's the other people who feel the need to insert their uninvited opinions.

Because everything is better with a little cheese.

 "Yummly" posted this recipe on facebook yesterday and I have been able to think about nothing else.  Partly because they just looked so damn delicious... and partly because on Monday I decided that in addition to my daily morning run, I was only going to eat only one meal a day and nothing else.  So... yeah... I am pretty effing hungry. ;-)

They didn't have cheese on theirs, but as mentioned in the title... EVERYTHING is better with cheese.  Seriously.  For reals.

They were DELICIOUS!!!  Seriously.  Like even yummier than I thought they would be!!  YUM YUM YUM!!!

P.S.  Random post, I know.... hadn't played with my camera in awhile, so thought I'd go all "pioneer woman" on ya ;-)

Shoulda gone to the beach yesterday.

But we didn't.

Instead Rick and I got up first thing and did a little volunteer job for the program at our agency that does small repairs for the elderly and disabled to help them remain independent in their homes. (Wow that was a long sentence!)  Our task yesterday was to put in an A/C unit for an elderly woman in Bangor, one we got there we also moved some stuff around for her too.  Earlier in the week I went and swept out another lady's carport (I love saying "carport" ...almost as much as I love saying "Lanai"  LOL), that one was fun.  Engaged my IPOD and then literally swept an hour away!  MUCH BETTER than going home and spending that same hour watching General Hospital and eating goldfish crackers.

Not to say I am not still getting my TV time in ;-)  Like I said... we should have gone to the beach yesterday.  But instead, once our EZ Fix job was done, Jessi and I took FULL advantage of the free movie channel preview weekend on Directv.  And now today is a rainy, crappy day.... so we are cooped up inside.... today taking advantage of the fact that Netflix has the whole series of Xena available for my instant viewing pleasure :)

Oh and that "other" photo up there.... Well Rick and I met and went out to lunch at Subway on Friday and he used me as a pawn in his little photo texting game that he plays with some other idiot ;-)  Sometimes I just sit back and bask in his level of decorum and maturity. 

This dog smells.

• Why do dogs insist on rolling in dead things... smelly things... gross things???  
• Why do dogs insist on walking through EVERY PUDDLE and every bit of mud and then track it all into the house??  
• Why do dogs get into the trash given the slimmest window of opportunity??  
• Why do dogs eat things they shouldn't and then puke them up in the very spot where you don't notice it before you step in it with bare feet??
•  And most of all... WHY do PEOPLE still invite these beasts to live in our homes!!!??